Comments From The Peanut Gallery
by hederatedstone
Summary: A group of people. A mysterious invitation. They weren't really expecting a book club. And just who is the mysterious figure who brought them together. It will be an interesting weekend for all of them.
1. A Single Pebble

**DISCLAIMER: If you recognise anything here, I clearly do not own it. Principal ownership resides with J.K. Rowling and associated entities. I assert no ownership to anything except the arrangement of the words used herein into sentences.**

* * *

Saturday 22nd October 1977, Hogsmeade, Scotland

The figure blinked into existence near The Shrieking Shack. They were wearing Unspeakable robes, and it was next to impossible to tell their age or sex. They reached a gloved hand into their sleeve and withdrew a wand. It was made of walnut, 12¾ inches long. The figure cast a _Calentempus_. They looked at the result and visibly relaxed.

They cast a Patronus. Not a fully corporeal Patronus, this was a rapidly shifting blob. It headed off towards Hogwarts. Then they headed into the Shack.

* * *

Apart from the House Elves, the Hogwarts kitchens were empty. The mutating blobby patronus appeared in the middle of the kitchen and spoke "To the Hogwarts Head Elf. I am at The Shrieking Shack, and would like to talk to you at your earliest convenience"

the elves looked at each other with curiosity. The Hogwarts Head Elf popped away from the kitchen.

* * *

Eventually the figure reached an agreement with the Head elf. Five elves to help with cleaning, and two to look after the house while it was being used. Negotiating for the food was far harder. Elves are, of course, superior to witches and wizards in arguing.

The agreement having been reached, the figure and the elf popped away to somewhere else. The chosen location was dreary and dusty. "It will do" the figure said bluntly "Can you do it with five elves, or do you need more?"

"The job will be done by Monday. Is there anything else Dilly can help you with?"

"I need to send some letters. Can I use the school owls. Most of the people are in or near Hogwarts"

"Yes, call Fluxy when you have the letters"

"Thank you" the figure said, and Dilly popped away. The figure looked around and spoke to themselves "Hmm, letters first, or the wards?"

There was a considerable pause before the figure spoke again "Letters"

* * *

Later that day, twenty owls left the Hogwarts Owlery. Eight of the letters went to different parts of Hogwarts. One went to Hogsmeade. Seven letters went to Ministry employees, and one to Diagon Alley.

The letters were identical:

 **Dear Friend,**

 _ **~A little knowledge is a dangerous thing~**_

 _ **~A lot can change the world~**_

 _ **~A single pebble can start an avalanche~**_

 _ **~But once the avalanche has begun, it is too late for the pebbles to vote~**_

 **This is an invitation to a discussion held on 29th October, 1977. This letter is a portkey. The activation phrase is 'amputation'. This portkey is valid only between 5pm and 6pm on the 29th. Bring several days worth of clothing and other essentials (should the meeting run longer than expected – the location has time compression wards). It is best not to make plans for October 30th.**

 **This parchment is charmed with a secrecy and privacy spell. No one else can read it, and you cannot divulge the contents to anyone else.**

 **Hope to see you then**

 **Death To Voldemort**

 **Clotho**

* * *

It would be fair to say that the receipt of these letters caused much consternation.


	2. The Gathering

**DISCLAIMER: If you recognise anything here, I clearly do not own it. Principal ownership resides with J.K. Rowling and associated entities. I assert no ownership to anything except the arrangement of the words used herein into sentences.**

* * *

29th October, 1977, 5:03pm

Lily Evans walked towards the Hogwarts boundary. It had just gone five o'clock, and the sun had just set. Darkness was rapidly setting in like a suffocating blanket. It was so dark that she failed to notice the person sitting on a rock until she was almost on top of them. She recognised them immediately. "Snape, er, Sev. What are you doing here?"

"Lily" Severus Snape replied gruffly "I have a meeting to attend"

"A Death Eater meeting? Going to discuss the muggleborn menace?" Lily asked stiffly.

"Not a Death Eater meeting, Evans" he replied coldly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. "Amputation" he said quietly, and vanished in the blue flash of a portkey.

Lily stared in shock at her former friend's abrupt disappearance. She pulled her note out and said "Amputation", portkeying away.

She landed in a village, in front of a cottage that had clearly seen better days. The garden, from what she could see in the gloom, was overgrown. The front gate leaned drunkenly on its hinges. Peering into the gloom, she saw a figure near the door. "Sev?"

"Lily? What are you doing here? How did you follow me?"

"I didn't follow you. I shall simply assume we both got letter portkeys and ended up here. Which means we were both invited to this meeting"

"And judging by the fact that there's only one light on upstairs in the cottage, we're early"

"Shall we?"

The door creaked on its hinges as they entered. The cottage was tidy inside, but had clearly seen better days. They peered into the gloom

A house elf popped in front of them "Hello, who are you?"

"Hello" Lily said "I'm Lily Evans, and this is Severus Snape. We were sent portkeys that brought us here"

"Ah" the elf said "Yes, Clotho's guests. Go to the room on the left. I shall take your bags"

"Thank you. You have a lovely home" Lily said, not quite certain what to say.

"This is not my home. I am a Hogwarts elf"

"So why-"

"Clotho asked the Hogwarts elves for help. Clotho had a messy house to clean and people needing help. We were happy to help"

"So this is Clotho's house"

"No"

"Lily, this is getting very strange" Severus told her quietly. Addressing the elf, Severus asked "Elf, who is Clotho?"

"Clotho is Clotho" the elf replied unhelpfully.

"Is Clotho a wizard or a witch?" Lily asked.

"Yes"

"Is Clotho a wizard?" Severus asked the elf, feeling somewhat frustrated.

"Don't know"

"This doesn't make any sense. Elves sense things differently to people, but they should be able to tell that at least" Severus said to Lily

"Room on the left" the elf repeated. Lily and Severus obeyed, and entered what could be described as a large-ish sitting room. It was clean and tidy, but seemed dilapidated and old-fashioned. "So now we sit and wait?" Lily asked

"Yes, I doubt we're the only ones invited"

* * *

His suspicion was soon proved correct with the arrival of two young men. Severus looked at them and sighed.

The young men noticed him. "Sniv-Snape, what are you doing here?"

"I was invited, Potter, Black" Severus said, acknowledging Sirius Black's presence.

"But why?"

"Why is the least important question" someone said from the doorway.

"Grandfather?" Sirius asked.

"Who and what are more important questions" Arcturus Black said. "Who invited us? And to what purpose?"

No one had a response to that.

The room slowly filled, as more and more people arrived. Some were known to others in the room, but one of the arrivals was unknown to the rest. The others looked puzzled at his arrival.

* * *

Alastor Moody was one of the last to arrive. He stood in the doorway and cautiously scanned the group milling in the sitting room. He noted the tensions between members of the group, and that there seemed to be sub-groups. He saw a few colleagues, and moved towards them. But he was interrupted by an angry shout.

"Hey, what are you lot doing here?"

Moody turned around to face Aberforth Dumbledore. An angry Aberforth Dumbledore.

"Aberforth. Surprised to see you here" Moody told him.

"You really shouldn't be. It's my bloody house" Aberforth spat back.

"It is?"

"Yes. I own it. My father owned it. Albus owns the place in Godric's Hollow"

"So where are we, exactly?" Moody asked cautiously.

"Mould-on-the-Wold. But why are you people in my house?"

"Hmmm. I thought you would have known about it. I thought you'd offered the place for the meeting. Particularly with the time compression wards"

Aberforth snorted "There's only a standard set of wards here"

"Aberforth is telling the truth to the best of his knowledge" a voice echoed around them "It is his house, and I didn't exactly ask his permission to use the place for this clandestine meeting. Beyond your memories, there is no record of this meeting taking place" A voice told them. "I didn't ask his permission before adding the time compression wards, either"

"Who's there?" Moody asked, waving his wand around the hallway. No hidden persons were revealed, but a set of charms were located on the ceiling. "You should probably come out now"

"Ah, Moody. There is 'should', and there is 'will'" the voice replied.

"Well, I would appreciate you coming out to talk with us. As the property owner, I insist" Aberforth rumbled.

"Very well" the voice said. A figure soon appeared. They were wearing Unspeakable robes, and it was next to impossible to tell anything about them.

Moody looked at the figure "Croaker?"

"Close, but no cigar, Moody. The robes are Croaker's, but I am not Croaker" the figure replied.

"So how are you wearing his robes?"

"He no longer required them, and they suited my purpose"

"You killed Croaker?"

"No. Croaker is alive today. But when I grabbed these robes, he was not. Ransacking the effects of a dead man is hardly edifying behaviour, but needs must"

"Croaker's alive, but you robbed his corpse" Aberforth said slowly. "Time travel?"

The figure chuckled "Clever. This is why I like Aberforth more than Albus. Abe's blunt. Albus would waffle and pontificate, and refuse to share his knowledge. A fatal conceit, if you will"

"So he's dead when you're from. My brother, that is?" Aberforth asked.

"Yes. Indeed, some of my colleagues maintain the argument that the world would be a better place if he'd died in 1899 instead of..."

"Interesting"

"I'm missing something here" Moody said.

The figure chuckled "Yes"

Moody frowned "Yes what?"

"Yes, you are missing something. Shall we join the others in the sitting room? The meeting is about to start. Aberforth was the last to arrive"

~o*o*o*o*o*o~

The figure stood in front of them. "Thank you all for joining me for this little meeting. The elf will be taking your wands at this time. They will be returned as you leave. For the sake of formality, I shall go around the room and introduce each of you. I shall not reveal my identity for a while. You may simply call me Clotho, or 'them', 'that' or whatever you wish. Just do not call me late for meals."

There was a nervous chuckle at the figure's words.

"My name is not terribly important. Who I am matters little. What I am is more important. I am a time traveller. That is all you need to know about me at this point."

"I have a question" Minerva said clearly.

"Yes?" Clotho enquired politely.

"Why isn't Dumbledore here?"

"Dumbledore is here" Clotho told her. The figure's tone sounded a bit condescending.

"No, that's not what I meant"

"But it is what you asked" the figure replied.

"What I meant was, why isn't Albus Dumbledore here?" Minerva asked sharply.

"Because I didn't invite him" Clotho replied bluntly. "I made an executive decision to only invite people who would be useful or directly affected by these briefings. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Grindelwald is not one of those people"

Aberforth made a strangled noise "You know?"

"Yes" Clotho replied "And it is 'For The Greater Good' that it be more widely known"

"I don't understand what Abe's talking about, but I'm curious about why 'us'?" Moody said slowly.

Clotho chuckled. "Ah, of course. But to get to the 'why', we must have the 'who'. I cannot blithely assume that you all know each and every person here. So I shall handle the introductions"

The figure paused, and the group collectively stiffened, waiting for them to continue.

"First, we have Aberforth Dumbledore. He is Albus' younger brother, and far more sensible. He owns and runs the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade. At least some of you would be familiar with that establishment"

"Yep" said one of the young men in the room.

Clotho looked at the young man in question "Unsurprising. Then we have Alastor Moody, Senior Auror and professional paranoid."

Moody looked at Clotho with a grimace. "My reputation precedes me, then?"

Clotho merely nodded. "Then we Filius Flitwick, part goblin, former Dueling Champion, Charms Master, Charms Professor and Head of Ravenclaw at Hogwarts."

The tiny professor smiled at his description.

"Next, we have the terrible twins, Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Heirs Prewett. Hit Wizards Extraordinaire."

The twins beamed at their description.

"Then we have Arthur Weasley, son of Septimus Weasley and Cedrella Black. Ministry employee and generally decent chap, if a bit eccentric."

Arthur smiled at the group.

"Then we have Severus Tobias Snape, the youngest Potions Master in centuries, and a downright genius with an awful future."

Severus frowned "Surely becoming the youngest Potions Master in centuries would-"

"Not if that's the high point of your life. Peaking at nineteen is pretty awful" Clotho shot back.

"Yeah, it would be" James said "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy"

"Continuing on" the figure said. "We have Lily Evans. Excellent at Charms. Possible Charms Mastery in her future"

Lily frowned "Possible?"

"Continuing. We have James Potter, only son of Fleamont and Euphemia Potter. Soon to be Head of House"

"What? But Uncle Charlus-!" James quavered.

"Then we have Remus John Lupin. Intelligent wizard with a dismal future." Remus frowned at the glib description of his fate, but shrugged. It sounded accurate.

"Then we have Sirius Orion Black, the eldest son of Orion and Walpurga." There was a noticeable change in the way his parents' names were mentioned.

Sirius looked up and grinned "Have you met them, then?"

Clotho looked in his direction "I have only encountered Walpurga's portrait. I did so enjoy being harangued at full volume as filth and trash, bringing shame to the House of Black with my very presence. It mattered little that I was a descendent of Ravenclaw, or that there was a Black in the family tree"

Arcturus sat up "Who are you related to? If I might ask"

"Eduardus"

"I see" Arcturus said quietly "So squibs can have magical descendants. That's good news"

"Moving on. Then we have Regulus Arcturus Black, the younger son of Orion and Walpurga. Bleak future for him"

Regulus frowned.

"Next we have Amelia Susan Bones, Auror. A decent enough future with the DMLE but a life marred with tragedy."

"Then we have Minerva McGonagall, the busiest woman in Magical Britain". Everyone laughed, and Clotho continued. "Being Transfiguration Professor, and all the work that implies. Being Deputy Headmistress and all the work that that position implies. Then she has all the Headmaster's work that Albus can't be bothered to do. Honestly, the man enjoys the perks of his jobs, but can't actually be bothered to attend to the responsibilities. No glory in it, you see"

"I take it you're not one of my brother's fans?" Aberforth asked with an amused snort.

"Certainly not! I'd pretty much call him a dark lord"

"That's a little strong, don't you think?" Moody asked.

"When we've finished the meeting here, you tell me" Clotho replied. "Anyway, Minerva. On top of doing Albus' Headmaster work for him, she also has to babysit him and attempt to curb his insanities. Or try, at least. She rarely succeeds, but it's better than never trying at all. She barely has any time to be the Head of House she needs to be, and there's precious little that she can do without conflicting with her role as Deputy"

"Is this true, Minnie?" Moody asked.

"I wouldn't say it quite like that, but there's a degree of truth to what they've said"

"Something to think about, then" Aberforth said. "Considering that when I went to Hogwarts, there were three people to teach Transfiguration, and now there is only one. I have to wonder"

"I had three Transfiguration Professors" Arcturus said.

"So, why..." Minerva trailed off.

"Continuing on" Clotho said sternly. "Minnie becomes the Headmistress after the war, and does a far better job than Albus, despite the fact that the population of Magical Britain was gutted during the wars, and Hogwarts was reduced to a pile of rubble"

"That is a bleak description" Sirius declared "Hyperbole?"

"A very small amount. I remember helping to rebuild Hogwarts after the war. Even after two years, we still found bodies"

"Just how bad was it" Moody asked.

"Horrible, when you consider that most of the deaths did not occur in battle"

Moody frowned at that. He thought of a few scenarios to explain that, but they were all deeply unpleasant.

"Next in our little group, we have Andromeda Tonks, nee Black. The second daughter of Cygnus Black and Druella Rosier, she was disowned for marrying without her Head of House's permission" Clotho looked at Arcturus, who nodded. "She is a Healer trainee, and she has a metamorphagus daughter who will grow up to be dubbed 'She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' while at Hogwarts"

Andromeda looked up"Wait, my daughter is a dark witch?"

"No, she'll just have a temper that people will experience whenever they call her Nymphadora" Clotho replied. Everyone laughed at that.

"Then there is her husband, Edward, called 'Ted', Tonks, Muggleborn wizard. He works in the Muggle world to make ends meet and support his family, but he plans on being a solicitor"

"Then there is Arcturus Black, Head of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. In the time I come from, the House of Black no longer exists"

Arcturus looked grey at hearing that. Sirius looked at Regulus, and Regulus looked at Sirius with a quizzical expression. "Wait, gone, gone? Completely gone?" Sirius asked.

"Well, there's Narcissa's son, the berk. And Andromeda's grandson. But that's it"

"Then we have Frank Longbottom, Heir Longbottom. Trainee Auror. Only son of Augusta and Gordon"

"Then we have Alice Weatherhill, Frank's girlfriend and future wife, also a Auror Trainee."

Clotho then turned to the unknown party. "Then we have Ragnok IX of the Goldclaw Clan. No doubt you're all wondering why I invited, not just a goblin, but a Director from Gringotts"

"Well, yes, we are wondering that" Moody said gruffly.

"Because, if you choose to accept the mission before you, you might need goblin cunning" Clotho told them.

~o*o*o*o*o*o~

Clotho pulled seven books out from under their robes. They placed them on a podium that the elves had set up in the room. "These books were written two years after the fall of Voldemort. Two years of extensive research and an enormous amount of time in a pensieve. It was felt to be a moral obligation to history, to teach the children the lessons of the past."

"These are books for children?" Severus asked.

"Yes. They are, in reading order, The Philosopher's Stone, The Chamber of Secrets, The Prisoner of Azkaban, The Goblet of Fire, The Order of The Phoenix, The Half Blood Prince, and The Deathly Hallows. I imagine that some of you might recognise the title references"

"Certainly" Aberforth said "The Order is my brother's little spy network to counter Voldemort. Not that anything ever actually gets done with the information"

"Oh, how true your words, Aberforth. The Order's about as useful as tits on a bull" Clotho said.

"I recognise three of the titles" Severus said to a quiet room.

"Well, that's unsurprising, Mr Snape. You'd undoubtedly recognise one. What were the other two?"

"Philosopher's Stone and Chamber of Secrets. But the Chamber is a myth"

"Alas, no. neither is the resident basilisk a myth"

"I recognised the last one" Aberforth said.

"Your brother's interest, no doubt" Clotho said. Aberforth nodded.

"Wait, why does Sniv-er, Snape recognise one?" Sirius asked.

"Because, Black, my mother was born Eileen Prince, before she was disowned"

"Oh"

"So these books are accurate?" Aberforth asked.

"Accurate but incomplete. Due to the enormous casualties of the Blood Wars, we can't even claim it's completely accurate. It's only made using memories of those lucky enough to survive. It also doesn't provide information the characters are unaware of at the time. If they did, they would tell a very different story. We have those books too, if you want to read them"

"Blood Wars? Wars, as in more than one?" Regulus asked.

"Yes" the figure replied.

'They sounded tired, whoever they are' thought Regulus.

"Are you, whoever you are, in these books?" Severus asked.

"Yes. You are all here for at least one of two reasons. Either you are significant in this story, or you are useful in the here and now. There are likely to be things revealed that you may not wish disclosed. Kindly respect each other's privacy on this matter, as you should expect they should respect yours. If you are in this story, I will not have the people in this room criticised for any future action at all. This was why I had you surrender your wands, so you wouldn't hex each other. Kindly address all criticisms, admonishments and vituperations to the future versions, not the people in the room. I will hex you until you learn"

"You're heavily implying we won't like what we hear"

"I am"

"So why..."

"Because, when you have finished, you have a choice to make. To accept this future, or to try and change it"

Regulus sat up and looked at Clotho "Of the people in this room, how many of us are alive at the end of the books"

The figure looked around the room "Including myself, six are alive and well. Two others are simply alive, in the Janus Thickey Ward"

The group looked around at each other glumly. Sirius piped up "Well, let's hope we all went out in style"

The room was silent, as everyone looked at him. The figure muttered something quietly. Remus snorted with laughter, and everyone looked at him. He noticed and said "Clotho called him a cretinous child with suicidal ideation"

Severus, Regulus and Arcturus looked away. Lily smirked and said to the figure "I take it you knew him well, then?"

There were chuckles throughout the room.

Aberforth coughed "You mentioned time compression wards. I presume that's to allow us to get through this information without creating too large a gap of missing time?"

Clotho nodded.

"Then we may have a problem. There's twenty one people, sorry Director, in this room. This cottage can't fit them all"

"It's alright." Clotho said. "There are some wizarding tents outside. That should cope with the accommodation requirements. The time compression wards are over the property, not the house"

Aberforth nodded.

Clotho looked at the group "Are you sitting comfortably?"

The group nodded. "Then let us begin. Who would like to read first?"


	3. Is Being Alive That Remarkable?

**DISCLAIMER: If you recognise anything here, I clearly do not own it. Principal ownership resides with J.K. Rowling and associated entities. I assert no ownership to anything except the arrangement of the words used herein into sentences.**

 **This contains no copyrighted text. This may make it a difficult read, but roll with it. Hopefully readers will garner context from the commentary. If you see any copyrighted text, notify me immediately.  
**

* * *

 **Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived**

* * *

"I'll take it" Frank said. He looked at the cover. "The title of this book is 'Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone'."

The room tingled for a moment. Nobody moved.

Aberforth released a breath of air he wasn't aware he'd been holding in. "Philosopher's Stone? Safe to say my brother's tangled up in this somehow. But I didn't realise that Flamel trusted him enough for that?"

"Is it an alchemy thing, then?" Amelia asked.

Alice raised an eyebrow at her, and Amelia continued "Dumbledore had a brief period of, well, collaboration, with the alchemist Nicolas Flamel. Flamel is the only known holder of the Philosopher's Stone"

"One of your relatives, Potter?" Moody asked.

"I don't know" James said. "I don't have any relatives called Harry"

"Time traveller" Aberforth said. The others looked at him, and he continued "Potter's not counting future relatives"

Lily snorted "I pity the girl who reproduces with Potter"

"Ah, Lily, you've warmed up to him. It could well be you" Remus said warily.

"Lily's too smart for that" Alice said firmly.

"And I'm reading" Frank said, sounding a bit annoyed. "Chapter One. The Boy Who Lived"

"What a strange title" McGonagall said.

"Better than being the boy who died" Fabian replied.

"Wouldn't be much of a story if he died in the first chapter" Gideon said.

"You do know there are charms to read out books for an audience, don't you?" Flitwick asked.

"Yes" Clotho told him "But participation will drive you all to pay attention."

"Alright, here we go" said Frank.

* * *

"Protestations to the contrary, do you reckon?" Gideon asked.

"Yes, it could be that they are trying to convince themselves as much as others. But I can't claim to understand humans all that well" Ragnok replied.

* * *

"Which is just tempting fate, saying things like that" Remus said.

Mr Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

* * *

"Drills?" Arthur asked.

"They are devices for putting holes in other things. Mr Weasley, write down any words you don't understand" Clotho said firmly.

"Wonderful things, drills" Ragnok said.

"Well, a goblin would say something like that. You're excellent miners. So you must use big ones" Aberforth said.

"Not me personally, but yes" Ragnok replied. "And it's not the size of the drill, it's how you use it that matters"

Sirius started sniggering. His grandfather shook his head in despair "Only you, Sirius, would start corpsing when a goblin makes an unintended cock joke"

"What makes you think it was unintended?" Aberforth asked, grinning wryly.

"It has to be" Fabian insisted. "Goblins don't care enough to delve into human humour"

Ragnok sat impassively, saying nothing.

* * *

"That's a wonderful description" Amelia chuckled.

"He sounds lovely" Andromeda suggested.

"I bet he's really proud of the moustache" Ted said, smiling.

* * *

"God, that could almost be my sister" Lily said. Clotho twitched a little. Nobody but Remus noticed.

* * *

"Does anyone else think their judgement is a little suspect?" Regulus asked. There were some nods from the group.

* * *

"Ooh, now it's getting exciting" James said.

"Ooh, James, you make it sound like you subscribe to Witch Weekly. Such enthusiasm for gossip and scandal" Alice teased.

"Alice, how could you!" James shouted in feigned outrage. "I've kept that a secret for years"

"Really?" Sirius asked.

James just glared at him.

* * *

"What's wrong with the Potters?" Sirius asked.

"There are those in the room who could name several things wrong with the Potters" Alice told him.

"Such as how your father is a Potionsmaster, but you couldn't brew to save your life" Severus said.

"Or your hair" Aberforth suggested.

"Or your ego" Moody said.

"I get it, it's 'pick on James day'" James said grumpily.

"It's always 'pick on James day', Prongs. You're just not bright enough to figure it out." Remus said "So far, Lily was winning, until her recent defection."

* * *

"Well, that's just wonderful" Gideon said.

"Troublesome in-laws" Fabian replied.

"Do we know what Mrs Potter thinks of her sister?" Alice asked.

"I can't imagine it's a high opinion, can you?" Aberforth replied.

* * *

"They'd talk for weeks, the scandal!" Sirius said in mock-outrage.

"Let me guess, you borrow James' magazines" Andromeda asked, laughing.

* * *

"A child like what, exactly?" Alice asked.

"Dunno, but it must be dreadful" Ted replied.

* * *

"Which just means the world's gonna get weird soon" Mood said. Nobody disagreed with his pessimism.

* * *

"First, why is the most boring tie important?" Gideon asked.

"Second, who is she gossiping to, exactly? Or is she just monologuing for the sake of it" Fabian added.

"I have no idea about the tie" Moody said "But there are people who just cannot abide silence, or need to make themselves seem important"

"Perhaps he doesn't want to stand out by making a sartorial misstep" Flitwick said.

* * *

"What's so special about that?" James asked

"Potter, muggles don't use owls to deliver letters and parcels. They use the Royal Mail" Severus snapped.

"The what?"

"A system of delivering letters and packages to the fifty six million people in The United Kingdom" Severus said, in a condescending fashion. "It pre-dates the Statute of Secrecy by nearly two centuries"

"Oh, you mean the one with people-owls" James asked.

"What planet are you living on?" Lily asked. "Postmen, letter-carriers are what they're called. Not people-owls. No wonder people have such trouble observing the Statute if you're a representative sample"

"Potter, try and imagine the consequences of fifty six million people serviced by owl post" Arcturus said sternly,

James blanched in response, picturing the sheer quantity of owl pellets that would accumulate.

* * *

"Wonderful parenting" McGonagall said, frowning.

* * *

"And that's so much better, he encourages this sort of behaviour" Regulus groaned "They'll regret this in time"

"Yes, imagine how your mother would respond to this behaviour" Arcturus.

"I don't need to" Sirius said. "She'd say, 'Blah, blahblah, _crucio_! Blah, blahblahblah, _crucio_!'"

"Yet another reason you should have gone to your Head of House long ago" Andromeda said sharply.

* * *

"Minnie!" Sirius shouted. Everyone else glared at him

* * *

"He went for another look? That was his first mistake" Aberforth groaned.

"It was the boring tie, that did him in, I tell you" Ted said.

* * *

"And cats don't have pockets, so where did the map go?" Lily asked

"Can an animagus use magic?" Alice asked. Nobody answered her, considering there were at least three animagi in the room.

"Presupposes that there was a map in the first place" Severus sneered.

"Does he really strike you as the fanciful type who would invent something like this?" Flitwick asked.

* * *

"Trick of the light? Keep telling yourself that, tubby" James said.

"Self-delusion at it's highest. They clearly know about magic, if they're afraid of the Potters becoming public knowledge"

* * *

"Literate cats, what will be next?" Fabian jeered.

"Next thing, they'll be agitating for the right to vote" Gideon responded.

"Oh, no, we must deal with the suffrage of cats" Amelia chuckled.

"Awful pun, Amelia" Alice said.

* * *

"Self-rationalisation is the greatest aid to the Statute. Far better than the Obliviator squads" Moody said.

"Even ignoring the legal issues of the Obliviator squads" Clotho said quietly.

* * *

"On, the one hand, it's a good thing he's so dedicated to his job. But this man is quite dull" Arcturus said.

"Most boring tie" Andromeda said.

* * *

"Wait, what's a traffic jam?" Arthur asked.

"Ah, how to explain it..." Lily began "It's where a large number of cars want to go to the same place at the same time, and as a result they don't go anywhere. Instead of driving along, they're really slow or stopped entirely"

"Oh, that's a relief, I was going to ask if it was like raspberry jam" Sirius said sheepishly.

* * *

"What's wrong with cloaks?" Sirius asked.

"They went out of fashion in the muggle world over a century ago. Nowadays, a cloak is the biggest sign of a witch or a wizard out and about" Lily said calmly.

"Yeah, this completely proves Salazar Slytherin's point when he started the whole Muggle Studies curriculum at Hogwarts" Clotho said.

"He did what?" Moody asked.

"You would approve, Moody. Salazar was a paranoid man. He wanted witches and wizards to be aware of the non-magical world, so they could blend in and didn't expose the magical world through their ignorance"

"And did it work?" Regulus asked.

"Up until the Statute, quite well. But after the Statute, wizards grew proud, and arrogant and ignorant. These days, it's pretty easy to play 'spot the wand-waver' in Britain" Clotho told him.

"Huh!" Arcturus said. "That's something that should be fixed"

* * *

"Not liking funny clothes, that's hardly surprising, for a boring tie wearer" Alice said, snarling.

* * *

"Nope, it's a stupid old fashion" Lily said cheerfully.

* * *

"The only thing worse than weirdly dressed young people" Gideon declared.

"Is weirdly dressed old people" Fabian finished.

* * *

"Oh, no! The gall of him! The sheer temerity of him to wear, not only a cloak, but an emerald green one" James opined melodramatically.

* * *

"Collecting?" Regulus asked.

"Fundraising for some charitable cause or some such" Amelia said.

* * *

"One track mind" Fabian said.

"But a dedicated employee" Ragnok replied. "There are worse things to be in the world"

* * *

"What's so special about owls?" Remus asked.

"Owls are naturally only active at night time. And because it's dark, a person would be lucky to see one" Clotho responded.

* * *

"This is a normal morning for him?" Amelia asked.

"I'm guessing the shouting is more fun for him than effective for the workplace" Ted replied.

"So, a bit like Moody, then?" Fabian asked.

"Excuse me?" Moody asked menacingly.

"He seems to place some stock in 'importance'. Doing important things makes him important" Severus said.

"So, he's the ideal Ministry employee, then" Gideon chuckled.

* * *

"He doesn't sound like the type to go for a constitutional walk" Alice said.

* * *

"A bun. Of course. That does sound more likely" Fabian said.

"But only one?" Severus asked acerbically.

* * *

"Oh, no, the people in cloaks!" Alice cried.

"They're coming to take me away, hah hah!" Sirius said.

"Sirius, you do know the last verse of that song is about his dog running away, don't you?" Remus asked.

"Really?" Sirius asked, looking a bit sad.

"Yes, his ungrateful dog" Lily said calmly "What's with Sirius and dogs, anyway?"

"Maybe later" Remus said.

"It's one of those secrets you'll be forced to reveal, isn't it?" Lily asked.

"No comment" James told her.

* * *

"If they don't have a money tin, then he can't pretend they're fundraisers. The horror!" Amelia said.

* * *

"I thought he went for a bun" James asked, confused.

"He must have changed his mind. It happens to me a lot. I'll go into the Three Broomsticks with a clear idea of what to order. But what I end up eating will be something completely different" Alice said.

* * *

"Oh, no, not the Potters" Severus said gloomily.

* * *

"And their terrible child, whose name we have now learned is Harry" Regulus added.

* * *

"Hurray, he's dead" Sirius shouted.

"Figure of speech, Sirius" Remus said, grumbling. "If you don't stop shouting in my ear, I'm going to go sit next to your brother. He knows how to behave"

The others chuckled at Sirius' expression.

* * *

"That's rather an unusual amount of exercise he's getting, don't you think?" Ted asked.

* * *

"In the non-magical world, yes" Lily said. "It's an occupation surname, like Smith"

"That's true. That's why we're not part of the Sacred Twenty Eight" James said.

"That, and the author despised your family" Arcturus replied.

* * *

"I pity any child called Harold" Gideon said.

"Hmm" said Arcturus "Harold is rather dull. Harald, with two 'a's', is rather distinguished."

"I agree with Lord Black on that distinction" Andromeda said.

"Pfft! What about Harvey" Fabian replied.

"It's only fine if his last name is Wallbanger" Clotho said _sotto voce_.

"What?" James asked, puzzled.

"Potter, a Harvey Wallbanger is a drink. Vodka, orange juice and Galliano" Aberforth said gruffly. The others looked at him, and he continued "I run a pub, I know these things"

* * *

"Clearly Mrs Potter is a nightmare" Alice said.

"By nightmare, do you mean something like my mother, or someone like Xeno Lovegood?" Sirius asked.

"Hmm" Moody said "Mrs Dursley would despise both"

* * *

"Did they survive?" Gideon asked.

* * *

"He said 'sorry'? That seems rather out of character" Andromeda commented.

* * *

"Oh, no! It's a weird person" James said.

"Wearing violet! It's probably Dumbledore or someone else with no taste" Fabian added.

"Dumbledore's not tiny" Gideon told him.

"Flitwick is" Fabian responded

"Flitwick doesn't wear violet" Alice told them.

"No, I don't" Flitwick agreed.

* * *

"From that description, I've got no idea who it would be" McGonagall commented, puzzled.

* * *

"He's gone?" Remus asked.

"He's gone!" James shouted.

"That's something to celebrate" Sirius said, bouncing in his seat.

"Gone, not dead" Moody said grimly. Everyone looked at him.

"Interesting" Clotho remarked.

"Apparently the Statute of Secrecy was rescinded for today" Aberforth said gruffly.

* * *

"That's right, proper English people don't hug strangers in the street" James said.

"Oh, you have learned something. That is surprising" Lily said, grinning.

* * *

"Don't call them Muggles. It draws attention" Moody said sharply.

* * *

"Doesn't approve of imagination? How shocking" Alice said.

"How unsurprising" Andromeda replied.

"What kind of moron doesn't approve of imagination?" Sirius shouted.

"The problem with imagination is all in the dosage, boys" Flitwick said.

"Not possible. How are we to get through our classes without imagination?"

"You could try listening and paying attention" Alice said.

"You'd survive because you wouldn't melt your cauldrons" Lily said.

"Or turning your foot into a potted plant" Remus added.

"They haven't?" Fabian asked, chuckling. Remus only nodded.

* * *

"Oh, no! The cat is on the wall. That's a harbinger of doom!" Sirius feigned shock

"No, that wasn't at all melodramatic" Arcturus told him.

* * *

"Shoo? As if that would work on a cat" Severus said, frowning.

"If it was within reach, maybe" Aberfoth said.

* * *

"Told you it wouldn't work" Severus said to the room.

"Normal cat behaviour, definitely not" Lily said.

"No, but it's normal Minnie behaviour" Sirius said.

"Count yourself lucky we are not at Hogwarts, Mr Black" McGonagall said sternly.

"Oooh! Does she do that all the time?" Arcturus asked, feigning fear.

"Often" Regulus told him "It would seem rather ineffective against Sirius though"

"Huh. Orion was like that until he went to Hogwarts. All jolly and cheerful. Not sure what happened, but he'd changed by the time he came home that first Yule. Quite sad, really" Arcturus commented.

* * *

"Well, he's got half a brain, at least. You don't come home and worry the wife unless you have to" Ted said.

"Know that from experience, do you?" Fabian asked, grinning manically.

* * *

"What problems, do you reckon?" Amelia asked.

"Given the blandness of the place, the girl's probably knocked up and injecting heroin into her eyeballs" Clotho remarked acerbically.

"Oh, the scandal!" Andromeda said melodramatically.

* * *

"Speaking as a parent, 'shan't' is not a good word for them to learn" Ted said dryly.

"Especially if your daughter's temper is anything like it was when I met her" Clotho said.

* * *

"Watching the news, that is so completely unremarkable" Aberforth said.

"If he's going for acting normal, he succeeded" Moody added,

* * *

"Is the newsreader a wizard?" James asked.

"Possibly" Clotho told him.

* * *

"Is that me?" Ted Tonks asked.

"Most likely" Clotho replied "But it was never proven conclusively"

"Bonfire Night?" Sirius asked, puzzled.

"The Fifth of November. It celebrates the foiling of the Gunpowder Plot in 1605" Lily told him.

"The what?" James asked

"Remember, remember the fifth of November. The Gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot" Moody intoned slowly "It's a poem. I prefer Kipling, though"

"Really?" Lily asked "I'm more partial to T.S. Eliot"

"Meow" Severus said a little too loudly.

"Sev!"

* * *

"Yes, he's getting disturbed now" Gideon said.

"Something strange or mysterious is happening. Of course he's disturbed" Amelia responded.

"Yes, but he's _getting_ disturbed, as compared to _being_ disturbed" Fabian said.

* * *

"It is generally considered bad form to criticize your wife's skill at making a cup of tea" Arcturus said sternly.

"It is hot, it is wet, it is eau de toilette. Is it from the House of Lipton or Chanel? I only want a cup of tea, not this stuff you've given me. If you think I'm going to drink it go to-" Sirius warbled badly, before realising he was being stared at. He looked somewhat abashed. "It's a song"

"Mr Black, perhaps you can teach us all this song at another time. But now is not that time" McGonagall said acerbically.

* * *

"Petunia? Lovely name. Shame the woman doesn't sound lovely" Andromeda said

"And now we have irrefutable proof it's my sister" Lily said with disgust.

"Worse luck. Lily, it seems you marry James" Remus said

"I'm not sure how I feel about that, frankly" Lily said, to laughs around the room.

* * *

"Lils, you have such a charming sister. How is it that you have the same parents?" Alice asked.

"She wrote a letter to Dumbledore, asking to come to Hogwarts. He said no. Not because he was being difficult, but he probably couldn't say yes. So it's a huge case of sour grapes" Lily replied.

* * *

"Her lot, indeed!" McGonagall snapped.

* * *

"Ooh, he's such a coward!" McGonagall said.

"Happy wife, happy life" Fabian cheerfully replied.

"In that case my father never had a happy life" Sirius said.

"It is entirely possible that you are correct, grandson. But Walpurga was not my choice" Arcturus said calmly. Then, more quietly, he chuckled "But your wife will be"

Sirius frowned at that.

* * *

'I suppose so,' said Mrs Dursley stiffly.

"You suppose so? What is wrong with this woman?" Amelia asked.

* * *

"Your father's name is Harry, you silly cow" Lily said quietly. "And we didn't ask you. You named your son Dudley. Dudley Dursley"

"People who give their children alliterative names should be punished" Moody said. "It shows a lack of consideration towards others"

"I quite like the name Harry" Andromeda said.

"Harry Potter sounds pretty nice" James said tentatively.

"Suck-up" Sirius said in a stage whisper. There were a few chuckles around the room.

* * *

"Whipped" Ted said in a theatrical whisper.

Andromeda poked him "Behave!"

* * *

"Oh, no. the cat is still there" Alice said in feigned horror.

"Attack of the puddy tats. I did, I did. I did see a puddy tat!" Lily replied dramatically. Everyone looked at her, and she huffed "Cultural reference, went straight past you lot"

* * *

"As much as we don't like him, we can't deny he's got good instincts. The cat probably is waiting for something" Aberforth said.

"Hmm, probably the next part of the story." Severus drawled.

* * *

"No, he's not imagining things. That's not one of his strong points" Gideon chuckled.

* * *

"A pair of what?" McGonagall asked.

"Magicals" Lily growled.

* * *

"Well, we do now!" James said angrily.

"I could have imagined this easily" Lily said sadly "But not with so much venom"

* * *

"Famous last words" Severus said.

* * *

"Damn, how'd Sniv-er Snape get so smart?" Sirius asked.

"It's written in a novelised format" Regulus sneered. "It doesn't require being smart to figure it out"

"Oh, thanks" Severus growled.

"Oh- ah..." Regulus said awkwardly.

* * *

"That's not normal cat behaviour. If we ever needed proof it wasn't a cat, there we have it" Moody said calmly.

"I think most of us have accepted the hypothesis that it's an animagus. We're not so sure about it being McGonagall" Amelia said.

* * *

"Nope, he apparated" Sirius cried out.

* * *

"Couldn't be anyone other than Minnie" Sirius said loudly.

"Mr Black, just because we are not in school at this moment is no excuse for impropriety" McGonagall said reproachfully, trying not to smile.

* * *

"It's a weirdly dressed old man. Mr Dursley would be furious" Fabian said.

"Just on that description, it's Dumbledore" Flitwick added.

* * *

"It has" Aberforth said, chuckling.

"Broken at least once by you" Clotho replied.

"Really?" Sirius asked.

"Yes" Aberforth said.

"But why'd he never get it fixed?" Sirius asked.

"Guilt, and he felt he deserved it" Clotho answered.

* * *

"Or he didn't give a shit" Clotho said quietly. Everyone heard it, though.

"Or he didn't care" McGonagall said loudly.

* * *

"Definitely McGonagall" Remus said.

"Are we meant to assume that this a random meeting, or is the 'should have known' about the cat's behaviour?" Regulus asked.

"Hmm, good question, lad" Moody commented.

* * *

"A what?" Sirius asked.

"Cigarettes are like cigars, only smaller. You smoke them, but instead of using a pipe, you put it directly into your mouth. A lighter is an object that produces a flame to light the cigarette" Lily replied.

"That sounds weird" Sirius said.

"Don't worry, Pads. When this is over, we can go and get you some. And you can find out for yourself" Remus told him.

"Contributing to his dissolute habits, Remus? For shame" Lily scolded him, smilingly.

"We're distracting him with minor vices, rather than letting him go to places like the Velvet Vixen" Remus replied.

"Velvet Vixen?" Lily asked.

Clotho laughed "Establishment on Knockturn Alley. Buys a lot of boomslang skin for entertainment purposes"

Lily paused for a moment and then frowned "There are such things as polyjuice brothels? That is so weird!"

"Never mind that, Dumbledore smokes?" Sirius asked.

"'Seemed to be a lighter', not 'was a lighter'" Severus drawled.

* * *

"That's not a cigarette lighter" Amelia said.

"I want one" James said.

"It would be a rather useful tool for an Auror" Moody agreed.

* * *

"Put-Outer? That's a stupid name" James told the room. No one disagreed with him.

"It's called a Deluminator" Clotho told the room.

"A slightly better name" James replied. "I still want one"

"Child" Clotho said.

* * *

"Minnie!" the Marauders cried in unison.

* * *

"I get the sense that the descriptions will be less than flattering in these books" Moody told the room.

James looked at him "Galleon on it"

"Done"

"Writing it" Andromeda said.

"Why is she wearing green?" James asked.

"Minnie's a secret Slytherin" Sirius said.

"Green represents new life, Mr Black" McGonagall replied sternly.

"I think it's more impressive that he's in his seventh year and hasn't figured out his Head of House wears green quite often" Remus said.

"And uses green ink. Wears a green brooch. Uses green chalk" Alice said.

"Wears a green dressing gown" Severus added.

"And it goes well with her eyes" Amelia said.

"I would hazard a guess it's her favourite colour" Lily said.

"It is" McGonagall said.

"'Secret Slytherin' is a cooler explanation." Sirius grumbled.

* * *

"You would indeed be stiff if you sat on a brick wall all day" McGonagall said.

"But really, why would you want to?" Alice asked.

McGonagall did not reply.

* * *

"Oh, I bet we're at one of those parties" James said.

"I bet you've been thrown out of one of those parties" Alice told him reproachfully. "I know what you're like, James Charlus Potter"

* * *

"Oh, no, she's done the angry sniff" Fabian said.

"I remember it well, brother" Gideon replied.

* * *

"No, he doesn't" Moody growled.

"Isn't Diggle that solicitor with the ridiculous top hat?" Arcturus asked.

"Yes, that's him" Amelia replied.

"Don't jinx it for yourselves, he might end up your boss" Clotho said.

"As what?" Amelia asked.

"Head of the DMLE" Clotho said bluntly.

"Merlin, I hope not" Moody said.

"Because he's a ridiculous solicitor with a ridiculous hat?" Amelia asked.

"Because he's just plain ridiculous?" Alice queried.

"Because he's Dumbledore's puppet, and Dumbledore has no interest in justice when he can hand out forgiveness to rapists and murderers as a sop to his own guilty conscience" Clotho said.

"You're really not a fan, are you?" Moody asked.

"No." Clotho replied bluntly. "Law is the basis of a society. Crime and punishment are the basis of law. Dumbledore has no interest in crime and punishment. He will happily trample over and betray the innocent to forgive the guilty, just to make himself feel better"

"What's Dumbledore got to feel guilty about?" Regulus asked. "He's the 'Leader of The Light'"

"The self-appointed 'Leader of The Light'" Arcturus said calmly.

"A lot. But his brother could probably tell you the basics if he chose to." Clotho replied.

"I choose not to" Aberforth grumbled. "Much as I do not like my brother, family is still family"

"Shall we return to the story?" Frank asked. He started reading again.

* * *

"Eleven years?" Moody said speculatively "Any bets this is in 1981?"

"Sickle it's in 1982" Arcturus replied.

"Done" Moody replied.

* * *

"Now that is indiscreet. The Statute Of Secrecy exists for a reason. What on earth is going on that the magical world loses it mind?" Amelia asked.

* * *

"Since when does Dumbledore ever engage in straight talk. He'll hint and make oblique references. He'll give you the impression that he's said something without ever actually saying it" Clotho said in what seemed to be an unhappy tone.

"Our mystery host is correct" Moody said.

"They know him well, it would seem" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Voldie's gone! Really gone? It wasn't just idle gossip? Hurrah!" Flitwick said gleefully.

"Oh!" Arcturus said. "Good. But that's still no reason to be so callous with the Statute"

* * *

"Ooh! I love sherbet. Shame the magical world hasn't discovered it yet" Lily said.

* * *

"I have some if you want them" Clotho told them "I brought them for just this reason. I thought it would add authenticity". They pulled out a bag and passed them around. Most of people in the room took one.

"Eurgh! That's too damn sweet!" Sirius said "It's nice, but it's too much"

"Yes" McGonagall replied "It's times like these I start to wonder about Albus' judgement"

"And he consumes a lot of these" Clotho told them "There is no proof that sugar can cause dementia, but it does make you wonder. But he does dose them with calming draught. No proof he doses them with Veritaserum, though. Though with illegal legilimency, he probably doesn't need to."

"He does what?" Flitwick asked. Clotho ignored him.

"Yeah, these are too sweet, and I have a notorious sweet tooth" Remus said to no one in particular.

Clotho snorted at him. "You're a chocaholic, Lupin, because you're a self-loathing masochist. If you didn't eat any for the twenty four hours before your, er, episode, you wouldn't need to spend three days recuperating"

"Really?"

"Yep, the theobromine really does a number on your physiology during your episodes"

"I'm missing something" Amelia said.

* * *

"Dumbledore thinks every time is the right time for sherbet lemons. He even offers them to people in his office. Most people decline" Clotho said.

"Because of the calming draught?" Fabian asked.

"No, who takes candy from weird old men?" Clotho chuckled. Through the Unspeakable outfit, it was an unsettling sound.

* * *

"Gone, not dead. I'm worried" Moody said.

"It does sound ominous" Arcturus commented.

"Clotho did say 'Blood Wars'" Aberforth said quietly.

* * *

"Yes, but let's ignore the convenient detail that Dumbledore lives in a fortress, and can do things with an impunity that others lack" Clotho said snidely.

* * *

"Why does she flinch?" Lily asked.

"Because there was a Taboo on the name. Speak the name, and the Death Eaters come and get you. That, and every Dark Mark is also a listening device. It twinges and lets him know when he's being talked about"

"Well, that's just creepy" Sirius said.

"Brilliant, but creepy. How do they work?" Remus asked.

"You are such a nerd, Lupin" Clotho said. "Protean charms, soul magic, and parselmagic, that's all I'll tell you"

* * *

"Tom" Clotho said. Everyone looked at them, and they shrugged "I'm not afraid of saying his name"

"Dark Lord Tom? No wonder he chose 'Voldemort'" James snorted.

"It's an anagram. The phrase 'I am Lord Voldemort' is simply the letters of his real name rearranged" Clotho told the room.

"You know his real identity?" Moody asked.

"Yes. So does Dumbledore, he was his Transfiguration Professor. So does Slughorn, he was his Head of House. So does McGonagall. She went to Hogwarts with him"

"Minerva, how many students called Tom attended Hogwarts at the same time as you" Moody asked.

McGonagall thought for a moment "Three"

"Interesting as this is, shall we continue?" Aberforth asked.

* * *

"Mostly because Dumbledore was the one who took him his Hogwarts letter, and scared the crap out of him with his display. Dumbles made him feel powerless, that was a bad move" Clotho said darkly.

"But Hogwarts professors only deliver letters to...Oh!" Aberforth said. "Why the hell didn't he say anything about this?"

"No doubt he has his reasons. whether they are beneficial to Magical Britain is a different matter" Arcturus said.

* * *

"Only because Dumbledore's too noble to use them" Sirius said.

"My brother is not that noble. Nowhere near that noble. His nobility is a myth" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Hah! You think like Minnie" James laughed. Sirius frowned.

"Count yourselves lucky we're not in school, Mr Potter" McGonagall huffed repressively.

* * *

"Too much information" Alice said.

"Classic Albus" McGonagall said "Distract with nonsense. It's a strategy he uses a lot"

"It must be extraordinarily annoying" Severus said.

"You have no idea" Flitwick replied.

"Very" Aberforth muttered.

* * *

"Ooh! Now we're getting to the important bit" James said, bouncing in his seat.

"James, Clotho did say 'Blood Wars'. This is the first chapter. I doubt He's gone" Remus told him.

"Smart lad" Moody said.

"Fifty galleons he's not gone" Regulus said to James.

"You're on" James replied, grinning.

"Is someone writing down these bets" Amelia asked.

"I am" Andromeda told the room. "I've been doing it since the first bet"

* * *

"Yeah, I hate it when she stares at you" James said.

"Mmmm, especially when she thinks you're being evasive or... economical with the truth. I swear I never succeeded in lying to her. But she never really punished me for my attempts, either" Clotho said.

"Wow, she must have really liked you" Sirius said.

"I think she found my attempts amusing more than anything" Clotho told him.

"What was the worst thing you ever did?" Alice asked.

"Put a professor in the Hospital Wing"

"And Minnie was still the Deputy?" James asked.

"Yes"

"How...?" Remus asked.

"I honestly have no idea. I have theories, but no facts" Clotho said.

* * *

"Another Albus tactic" Moody groaned.

* * *

"Oh, that sounds good, doesn't it?" Severus sneered.

"Not if you lived in Godric's Hollow" Fabian replied.

* * *

"Oh, no!" Alice gasped.

"This isn't sounding good" James said.

* * *

"Woohoo!" James shouted. The rest of the room was silent and looking at him.

"We end up married? You've only just started to become tolerable" Lily said, a little too loudly, as everyone looked at her.

Frank frowned at them, and continued.

* * *

"Oh, great!" James said exasperatedly "I finally discover that I married Lily, and in the next sentence I discover I was murdered. My luck is awful"

"I quite agree" Severus said, faintly smirking.

* * *

"Why is it 'Lily and James' rather than 'James and Lily'?" Alice asked.

"Because Lily's clearly the better half" Severus said smoothly.

"That's what I was going to say" Remus grumbled.

"Well, don't bite his head off or anything" Fabian said cheerfully. Severus gave him a venomous glare, and Fabian shivered "It was something I said, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but it's a story for another time" Remus said.

* * *

"Gone, again" Moody said. "That sort of implies some ambiguity over his continued existence"

Sirius laughed "That would be embarrassing"

"Failing to kill a child? Or being discombobulated as a result of a curse backfire?" Clotho asked.

"Well, both" Severus said.

"Hmm" Aberforth blew out "That wouldn't help his credibility as a Dark Lord"

"Of course, if he does come back, he's going to want to erase this embarrassment more than anything" Fabian said. Everyone paused at his words, and glumly agreed.

* * *

"Yes, we would like to know that" Moody said.

Aberforth nodded "The Unspeakables would most certainly be interested"

* * *

"Which means that Albus knows but won't share" Aberforth groaned.

"A fatal conceit" Clotho said quietly "He hoards knowledge, but he refuses to share it. It's a large amount of contention just how many lives that habit cost"

"What are the estimates?" Moody asked.

"Thousands" Clotho replied softly.

* * *

"It's nice to see that she cares" Sirius said.

"Despite all the dire threats she issues to you on a near daily basis" Alice said "she is rather fond of you"

McGonagall sat stiffly and said nothing.

* * *

"Yeah, I've seen those things. They don't make much sense" James commented.

"They do if you're of an older generation" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Hagrid told her Dumbledore would be there? When?" Fabian asked.

"Because she's spent the entire day here" Gideon added.

* * *

"Wait, McGonagall's been watching the place all day, but doesn't know why! What's wrong with her?" Sirius said sharply.

"Excellent question" Aberforth said.

"It is very unlike her" Lily said.

McGonagall frowned, but said nothing.

* * *

"Noooo!" Lily cried. "That's an awful idea"

"I agree" Severus said "Petunia is a bitter and resentful girl, with apparently dreadful judgement, if her taste in husbands and children is any indication"

"It certainly doesn't look good" Flitwick said.

"Surely he has godparents. There was a war on, surely his parents made plans for his guardianship" Remus said. He looked at Clotho and arched an eyebrow.

Clotho sat stiffly and said nothing.

"Surely there are allied families?" Andromeda asked "The Potters have the Longbottoms and the Boneses"

"Even the Blacks, at a stretch" Arcturus said. Some in the room looked at him and he shrugged. "I know our reputation, but raising the Heir of a Noble and Most Ancient Family is a duty, not a privilege."

There were some nods around the room at that.

* * *

"Yes, Minnie! Talk some sense into the old coot!" James said

"That is, for the most part, a good thing, because Dumbledore's insane. But not for raising a magical child" Regulus said.

"Ignorance leads to fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to suffering" Clotho said.

* * *

"I think it's been firmly established they're rotten parents" Amelia said.

* * *

"It's good that she's trying to convince him otherwise" Flitwick said.

"Sure, but will it succeed?" Alice replied.

"Doubtful" Aberforth said. "My brother is stubborn and as long since given up heeding the counsel of others"

"Or consulting the opinions and expertise of others" Clotho muttered darkly.

* * *

"Only in the sense that it's slightly better than being left with a Death Eater, or sent to Azkaban" James said. Clotho groaned.

* * *

"They will be _able_ to explain," Severus said. "But this is Petunia. Would she _willingly_ explain this to him as he grows up?"

"No" Lily scoffed "She hates me. It would be a death sentence to my child to be given to her. And a very slow death sentence at that"

"That's the point" Clotho said quietly. "Albus Dumbledore, for all his naïve posturing about family, love and forgiveness, is not actually that naïve about family"

* * *

"True, imagine how Petunia's going to react to accidental magic" Severus said, glaring at the book.

"Badly, I'm guessing" Gideon said. "It wouldn't fit her view of normal"

"It certainly doesn't" Lily said darkly.

* * *

"That would be so cool!" Sirius said. "James, your son achieve everything you ever wanted before his second birthday"

"And all it cost was his parents' lives" Clotho sneered. Sirius just looked dumbfounded at this minor detail.

* * *

"Yes, but there are better places than Petunia" Lily snapped. "An orphanage might be better"

"That seems extreme, Miss Evans" Flitwick said.

"You've never met my sister, Professor" Lily replied.

"Another country might have been better" Regulus said "Given that we've established that magical Britain will go gaga over him"

"True, and why has the story gotten out" Moody asked "Oh, certainly, James and Lily Potter dead, Voldie gone, child survived the attack. All strictly true, but that's all that should have been said. If you wanted a hero, pin it on someone who's safely dead, don't paint an enormous target on a defenseless child"

"Yes, Lily Potter, the Heroic Mother" Alice said.

"Nah, wouldn't work" Andromeda said "That would be admitting that muggleborns are equal or some equally dastardly thing"

* * *

"Minnie's really quite weak, isn't she?" James asked the room.

"So it would appear, Mr Potter" McGonagall said, frowning.

"I don't like this McGonagall. She a sycophantish pushover. She raises valid points, but one word from The Great Albus Dumbledore and she folds like wet cardboard" Alice said.

"It's dreadful that my brother's reputation is such that his actions go unchecked and unchallenged"

"Is this one of the reasons that McGonagall makes a bad Deputy, Clotho?" Amelia asked.

"It's certainly a major point against her" the figure averred. "But it's an even more scathing indictment of Dumbledore. He knew what Grindelwald had in mind in 1899, but didn't bother to do anything about it for forty five years. Then he sweeps in at the last minute, and defeats Grindelwald in a duel. From this flows his position as Headmaster, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, and Supreme Mugwump of The ICW. Winning a duel is not an adequate basis for either sound academic governance, or astute political responsibility"

"Definitely not a fan" Aberforth said gruffly, smiling a little.

* * *

"Hiding a baby under his cloak, that does seem Dumbledore-ish"

* * *

"I would trust Hagrid with my life, but not with a secret" Clotho said quietly.

* * *

"He does tend to be rather cavalier about danger" Remus said calmly.

"He's a nine foot tall half-giant. What's going to hurt him?" Amelia snorted.

"But he forgets that others are far more fragile" Clotho said. "His threat assessment capability is rather solipsistic, if you ask me"

"Ah, I didn't, and I have no idea what you just said" Sirius replied.

"Yes, Clotho forgot to use small words with Sirius" Remus said cheerfully.

* * *

"Oooh! Oohh! I want one" Sirius said, bouncing in his seat.

"That does not surprise me" Lily replied "You are still eight years old"

Andromeda laughed, and McGonagall tried not to smile.

"I wouldn't mind having a flying motorbike" Fabian said.

"Black, with flames painted on it" Gideon replied.

* * *

"Bin lid sized hands" Fabian cried out.

"Feet like baby dolphins" Gideon responded.

"That description is..." Fabian said.

"Certainly evocative" Gideon supplied.

"Let's hope the boy's in the blankets, and Hagrid didn't stop off at a pub and trade him for a manticore or something" Aberforth said sarcastically.

"It'd have to be a dragon" Sirius said "Hagrid's always wanted one of them"

Clotho made a noise, and Sirius looked at them "Did Hagrid ever get a dragon?"

"Maybe" Clotho replied cryptically.

* * *

"Yeah, 'cos I want one" Sirius said.

* * *

"Woohoo! I've got a flying motorbike"

"Forget about the motorbike, the baby's more important" Lily snapped "Why aren't you trying to be a responsible adult?"

"I don't know"

"It's not like his parents taught him" Clotho said.

"He should have spent more time with his grandfather, then" Arcturus said "It is clear I have made errors as Head of House"

"Sirius is clearly alive, or was in the last twenty four hours. So why isn't Sirius acting as a guardian?"

"Sirius isn't exactly what anyone here would class as responsible" Remus said slowly.

"True, but he should be an improvement over these Dursleys" Alice replied.

* * *

"Wait, something's not right" Moody said. Everyone looked at him. "McGonagall's been watching the place all day, without knowing why. The Wizarding world has been celebrating, and heedlessly violating the Statute. Again, they've been doing this all day. But Hagrid makes it sound like he's come directly from Godric's Hollow, when the attack was last night"

"Yes" Arcturus said "How long does it take for a flying motorbike to get from Godric's Hollow to wherever this Little Whinging is. If they went over Bristol, it must be in Devon or Cornwall"

Clotho chuckled "Good, you've figured it out. No, it didn't add up. Little Whinging is in Surrey. The only explanation is memory modification. By whom and for what purpose, it is merely a matter of speculation"

"Surrey? Godric's Hollow to Surrey goes nowhere near Bristol. Worcester, Hereford, Gloucester, Cheltenham, Swindon, even Oxford. Those are plausible places to pass over. But Bristol? Did he get lost?" Ted said.

"And Dumbledore sent someone who's not allowed to use magic" Moody said. "That's... odd"

"At least now we know know how the story got out" Fabian said.

"Mmm" Gideon said "Last night Hagrid retrieved little Harry from Godric's Hollow. Between then and now, he's been to the pub for firewhiskey and gossip"

"Not to mention that McGonagall was allegedly told by Hagrid to be here, but not why" Amelia added.

"Curiouser and curiouser" Arcturus said.

Sirius looked at him "You know that book?"

"I am not Walpurga" Arcturus replied. "I have disowned only one family member, for marrying without permission". He did not look at Andromeda when he said that, but nearly everyone else did.

"Shame you didn't disown Bella for being a Death Eater" Sirius said, glaring at his grandfather. "And what about Uncle Alphard?"

"Bellatrix swore she joined after she married, and Alphard was mostly symbolic. I had reason to do so, but leaving money to you was not the real reason. Just the reason I let people believe" Arcturus said "The only thing I can do to Bellatrix is dissolve her marriage. I still might. She still has time to produce the specified number of heirs"

Regulus laughed, and everyone looked at him. Sobering up "Grandfather is speaking of technicalities. There is next to no chance that Bellatrix and Rudolphus will be compliant with the terms by next year"

"But I've been disowned" Sirius said sharply.

"Only by your mother. Not by your father, and not by your Head of House"

"And now we get to reason number one hundred and twelve why Sirius Orion Black is an idiot. He hasn't yet figured out that Paterfamilias trumps mad mother. Such a disappointment to the family" Clotho remarked off-handedly. Sirius glared at them, but everyone else tried not to laugh.

"But where was McGonagall when Hagrid told her to be here? And when was she told? And where has Harry been for the last day?" Alice asked.

"Hogwarts?" Amelia suggested.

"Hogwarts. That's most likely. But Hogwarts to Surrey still goes nowhere near Bristol" Fabian said.

"Hogwarts means Pomfrey. The boy has been attacked by Voldie and all he's seen is a mediwitch? Where's a Healer in all of this?" Aberforth asked.

"What's wrong with Pomfrey?" Remus asked.

"Nothing, really. But Hogwarts is supposed to have a Healer on staff, not a mediwitch. And you'd think that a Healer might see to him if he got attacked by Voldie. Clotho, did Harry get a medical check-up after his parents were murdered?" Moody said.

"I don't specifically know, but it's doubtful. Otherwise the problem would have been dealt with then, rather than when he was seventeen" Clotho replied.

"Seventeen? What sort of problem? Who would leave a problem untreated for sixteen years?" Moody snarled.

"Dumbledore" Clotho replied.

* * *

"Aww" Alice said.

"Why to women go gooey over babies" Severus asked.

"It' a nurturing instinct" Ragnok said. "There's an inherent protectiveness towards young that crosses species"

"Prongs, you've got a cute kid. How'd that happen?" Sirius asked.

"Sirius" Lily said sweetly "This is one of those times that the subtext of your words is 'punch me in the face'"

"Huh?"

"What I mean is, I like subtext" Lily said.

Sirius, in a flash of wisdom, decided to say nothing.

"That's a strange injury, don't you think?" Alice said.

Andromeda nodded "Yes, it's very odd. It's a rune. The sun rune"

"If the three parts are roughly equal, yes. And depending on its orientation" Arcturus said "But if the middle bit is four times longer than the end parts, it's the yew rune. For death"

"The yew rune is also the wand movement for Avada Kedavra" Aberforth said grimly.

"That's rather... an odd coincidence" Severus said slowly.

"Clotho, have you seen the scar?" Alice asked.

"Yes, many times" their mysterious host replied.

"Sun or yew? Which one was it?" Lily asked, bouncing in her seat.

"Sun rune" Clotho replied.

* * *

"Ah, it's a curse scar. Awful things" Moody said.

"Interesting" Ragnok said.

"So that's the problem, then?" Amelia asked.

Clotho nodded "Any competent curse-breaker could have solved the problem in under a day. Taking him to the goblins would've fixed him up right as rain. But Dumbledore both likes to keep secrets and has long fallen out of the habit of recognising the expertise of others. So nothing was done"

Ragnok frowned, deep in thought.

* * *

"He's distracting away from the topic again. My bet is, that scar is important, and he knows far more than he's letting on" Moody growled.

Clotho nodded.

"How would a scar like that be even helpful? Can you imagine Dumbledore on the Underground? Ever?" Lily asked the room. She received no reply.

* * *

"Get it over with, indeed. You're condemning my son to durance vile, but that's unimportant" Lily growled.

* * *

"That's probably the last kindness he'll get in a place like this" Severus said.

* * *

"Oi, what's wrong with dogs?" Sirius asked.

"I find it prudent to be wary of something that can lick its own genitals" Regulus said.

"Oooh, Pads, you got burned" James said,laughing.

"Oh, is there something you'd like to tell us, gentlemen?" McGonagall asked.

"No, Professor"

* * *

"After today, what's one more violation of the Statute?" Arcturus said.

"Yes, it's clear that The Statute is more important than a child's well-being" Sirius sneered.

* * *

"Being discovered might actually be the best thing for the kid, judging by what Evans has said" Gideon said.

"I agree" replied Andromeda.

* * *

"I don't like _this_ McGonagall at all. She's a horrible old woman" Sirius said.

"Not quite how I'd put it, but yes" Lily replied.

McGonagall frowned "She does seem rather..."

"Weak?" Moody asked. "There must be a reason why"

"But you must have some thoughts, Moody" Amelia said.

"It can't be compulsion charms or potions" Moody said "She's in a school full of students who might want to 'enhance' their marks. So the Minnie I know would regularly have herself checked for such things"

McGonagall frowned and looked distracted at that statement.

"Do you know, I'd never actually considered using a compulsion charm on a professor" James said.

"I'd never considered using potions on them" Sirius said.

"Oh, really?" McGonagall asked, arching her eyebrow at them. "So who dosed Filius with a love potion keyed to Hagrid, then?"

"Me," Regulus said. Flitwick and McGonagall glared at him.

"Mr Black, we shall be having words about this when we return to Hogwarts. That was a deeply embarrassing episode for me"

"You bastard!" Sirius said without any heat "We had detention for two weeks over that."

"Why are you complaining?" Lily asked "You had detention for a week in Fourth Year because you got blamed for charming the Express loudspeakers to spew nothing but insults and obscenities"

"But we didn't do that, either!" James said.

Lily smiled "I know that"

"That was an excellent piece of Charms work, Miss Evans"

"Thank you, Professor" Lily replied, smiling. "It was, but I'm not admitting to anything"

"The twinkly eye thing that Dumbledore does, is that a cantrip?" Severus asked.

"Yes, it helps him with legilimency" Clotho said

"Ah, eye contact" Severus replied.

"Dumbledore uses legilimency?" James asked.

"Why are you surprised?" Aberforth replied "My brother's not as nice as the image he projects"

* * *

"Oh, great, abandon a baby on a doorstep, in November, and bugger off to a party. Marvellous!" Severus sneered.

* * *

"That's hardly surprising. They do work in the same castle" James said.

"Well, McGonagall is working hard, but Dumbledore's hardly working" Clotho said.

"That's a pretty good turn of phrase" Sirius said. "I've never heard that one before."

"So glad I'm contributing to your education" Clotho remarked, sounding amused.

* * *

"Kid's going to need all the luck in the world" Aberforth said.

"First, to survive my sister" Lily said.

"Then, should Voldie not be completely finished, he's going to have a dark lord trying to finish the job" Moody said.

"And he won't know his family history" Arcturus said. The others looked at him. "Dumbledore's almost destroyed the House of Potter with this one decision"

* * *

"Well, that doesn't sound ominous at all" Lily said.

"Not at all" Alice said. "Baby dumped on doorstep without so much as a 'by your leave', screaming in shock is a reasonable response"

"But it doesn't bode well for his future" Amelia said.

* * *

"As bad as that sounds, that's fairly normal baby behaviour" Arthur said.

"We trust that you'd know this, having three children" Arcturus said.

* * *

"Oh, sure, hold up your glasses, but don't bother to give a shit otherwise" Severus sneered. "That's fairly typical of wizards and witches."

"Severus is somewhat of a pessimist, but he is correct" Regulus said.

* * *

~o*o*o*o*o*o~

* * *

"Wait, what are the numbers?" Fabian asked.

"The numbers?" Clotho asked politely.

"How many are dead or alive at this point"

"Ah. You realise I have to be careful with what I say."

"Why?"

"Spoilers" Clotho replied.

"Huh?"

"Do you like it when you start reading a book, and someone tells you how it ends?" Clotho asked.

"I don't" said Alice "A book is a journey with an unclear destination. Knowing the end spoils the rest of the book. It's not as fun"

"Our host has a point" Aberforth said calmly.

"But I'll give you some information. Well, five of you are dead"

"That would be us for certain, but I wonder who the other three are" James said.

"You may continue wondering," Clotho replied "because I won't tell you at this moment."

* * *

~o*o*o*o*o*o~

* * *

 **Well, that's the first chapter. Feel free to comment and review. Tell me how well I'm doing it (in your opinion), or how badly. And no, I won't be revealing Clotho's identity for quite a while. Maybe at the end of the first book, if I feel like it.**


	4. Where Do Vanished Objects Go?

**DISCLAIMER: If you recognise anything here, I clearly do not own it. Principal ownership resides with J.K. Rowling and associated entities. I assert no ownership to anything except the arrangement of the words used herein into sentences.**

 **This contains no copyrighted text. This may make it a difficult read, but roll with it. Hopefully readers will garner context from the commentary.**

 **And let me just say a sincere thank you to the readers who have sent me constructive feedback. Some of you, I suspect, are under the influence of something, as your suggestions for Clotho's identity are...interesting, to say the least. I've had several suggestions in my inbox, and the supporting arguments are a bit 'off the wall'. End of the first book, ladies and gentlemen. You'll have to deal with it being a mystery until then. But you're welcome to keep speculating.**

* * *

 **Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass**

* * *

"Thank you Mr Longbottom" Clotho said. "Who would like to go next? Are there any volunteers?"

"I'll do it" Flitwick said, standing and moving to the front. Frank passed him the book.

Clotho took out a wand and conjured a stool for the diminutive professor.

"Thank you" Flitwick said, as he looked at the new chapter. He cleared his throat and began. "Chapter Two. The chapter title is 'The Vanishing Glass'"

"That's odd" James said cautiously.

"Why would glass vanish?" Sirius asked.

"Accidental magic, perhaps?" Amelia suggested.

"If you're all finished, I shall begin" Flitwick said.

* * *

"Ten years? We must be getting near Hogwarts time" James said.

"It's a little disturbing that there's been no change" Remus commented.

"Life is change" Ted said.

* * *

"Oh, dear. It's like a bad horror film" Lily said. "Petunia, however, would be in pig heaven about this"

"Hmm" Severus said "It's almost the complete opposite of Spinner's End. And I know for a fact that she loathed the place"

"Pfft!" Lily retorted "She hates most of the town. Spinner's End is simply much worse"

"What's wrong with your hometown?" Alice asked.

"Nothing, really, but my sister aspires to 'better things'" Lily said.

* * *

"Why would anyone have photographs of a beach ball?" Fabian asked.

"Why would anyone put a hat on a beach ball?" Gideon replied.

* * *

"I'd be rather concerned if he was still an infant" Regulus said, smirking.

"Oh. It wasn't a beach ball" Fabian said.

"Just a fat child" Amelia commented.

"To be fair, most babies are rather chubby" Andromeda said.

* * *

"Yes, but most children don't stay chubby" Alice said.

"Is a first bicycle like a first broom?" James asked.

"Yes" Ted replied. "But much safer"

"I like bikes" Lily said wistfully.

* * *

"A roundabout?" Sirius asked.

"A merry-go-round" Lily said. Sirius looked at her blankly, and she sighed "We really need to take you to Blackpool"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea" Severus told her.

"We'd be happy to chaperone him" Fabian told her.

"Sure, sure" said Amelia "You just want to come too"

"Possibly" Gideon said cautiously, trying not to smile.

* * *

"Kompewter games" Arthur said, writing it down.

"OK, but what is it?" Sirius asked.

"I'd need to drag you to an arcade and show you" Lily said

"Where would you find one of these... arcades?" Sirius asked earnestly.

"Definitely Blackpool" Ted replied.

"Prongs! Let's go to Blackpool!" Sirius shouted "Er, where is Blackpool, exactly?"

"North of Liverpool" Arcturus replied. "And nobody in their right mind heads to Blackpool in winter"

"It's not that terribly far from Longbottom Hall" Frank said.

"That's right, you live in Lancashire. About ten miles from Blackpool" Clotho said "And you should note that the next ten years are the golden age of arcade gaming"

"Wait," James said "I've been to Longbottom Hall hundreds of times, but I'm not sure 'where' it is" "Geographically speaking?" Clotho asked. They looked at Frank and cocked their head to the side. Frank nodded, and they continued "Longbottom Hall is in Lancashire, in a place called Cow Ark"

"Yorkshire" Frank replied.

"Historically, yes it is part of the West Riding. But it became part of Lancashire three years ago"

* * *

"Displays motherly affection like a trophy. Interesting" Aberforth said.

"One would have expected it as a matter of course" Amelia said.

"Only if they were normal people" Gideon replied.

"But they feel the need to display it. Over-compensation, perhaps?" Arcturus asked.

The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.

"Maybe he's gone somewhere else. Maybe the guardians that his parents specified have taken him in" Sirius said optimistically.

"I hate to say it, but the fact that the book is still talking about the Dursleys suggests otherwise" Remus said.

* * *

"I hate being right" Remus said.

"No evidence of his residence does not bode well" Ragnok said.

* * *

"Oh no, the serenade of the banshee" Alice chuckled.

"Mandrakes is more accurate" Severus said.

* * *

"That's accurate. I hate it when she does that during the summers. She's even worse when she sees Sev"

"Really?" Sirius asked in a mischievious tone.

"Yes. She would gladly kill Severus given half a chance"

"And what did Snape do to deserve this?" Sirius asked.

"He told me I was a witch" Lily said quietly.

Sirius laughed "Is that all? That's disappointing. I was hoping he'd set her on fire or something"

"Wish I had" Severus muttered darkly.

"And he told me about Hogwarts. And he stole her sister away from her" Lily continued.

"Well, that's just depressing" James said.

"Snape! I never knew you were such a monster!" Alice laughed.

* * *

"Wasn't a dream, kiddo" Sirius chortled.

"Memories resurface in dreams" Andromeda commented.

* * *

'Nearly,' said Harry.

* * *

"Listen woman, if you want everything perfect, why don't you do it yourself?" Remus asked.

"She's making him cook?" James asked. "Is that normal?"

"Asking him to help with breakfast? Normal. Demanding that he make breakfast in a house he's clearly not welcome in, rather disturbing" Ted replied.

* * *

"Yeah, that never works with Petunia" Lily said.

* * *

"What! He sleeps in a cupboard? Why the hell is he sleeping in a cupboard like a house elf?" Sirius shouted at the book.

Lily was silent, but her facial expression was rather dangerous.

James glowered at the book.

"Save your breath, Potter" Alice said "It probably won't get any better"

"Clotho, these are not happy books, are they?" Aberforth asked.

"Certainly not." Clotho replied.

"Blame Dumbledore" Regulus said.

"I agree with little Black" Amelia said.

"I agree with my grandson" Arcturus said.

"I agree with your grandson" Aberforth said.

* * *

"See James, I was right." Alice said, then muttered "wish I wasn't"

"They treat their son like this, but can't afford to give their nephew a bedroom?" Severus asked.

"I doubt money is the important matter here. They choose to behave like this" Regulus told him.

* * *

"What's a kompewter" Arthur asked

"Arthur, you're likely going to encounter words and concepts that are new to you. Write them down, research them later" the figure told him.

"This kid's really spoiled, isn't he?" Sirius asked.

"Yep" Lily said "A second television? Pretty pricy. A computer? I've seen them, but they're quite expensive, and typically limited to businesses. But almost fifteen years from now, possibly they'll be more widely used"

"Yes" Clotho told them. "I used one when I worked for Gringotts. I used one when I worked at the Home Office. I didn't use one when I worked at the Ministry. I had two at home, and my flatmate had one"

"Wait, you worked at the Home Office?" Lily asked "As in the Home Secretary? One of The Great Offices of State? The ugliest building in London?"

"Yes. The Ministry screwed the pooch so badly that any semblance of independence was revoked. By force, at times."

"Which part of the Home Office did you work for?" Moody asked the mysterious figure.

"Mostly the Security Service, but I did some work with the Judiciary, with the Lord Chancellor's Department"

"The Security Service?" James asked. It was clear that the others were puzzled.

"MI5" Moody told them.

Lily gasped in surprise "You were a spook?"

"Desk analyst mostly, with a bit of policy input thrown in" Clotho replied.

"So the Ministry fell to its own hubris?" Ragnok said, grinning. "What of Gringotts?"

"What of the Unspeakables?" Aberforth asked.

"The Unspeakables are mostly intact, even if they are located in Cardiff. Her Majesty's Government recognised their value. As for Gringotts, they have a banking license. The Goblin Nation have an island in the Outer Hebrides"

"Why?" Moody asked, curiously.

"Because they remembered what The Ministry did not: All power derives from the Crown's assent" Clotho told him.

"As interesting as this is, and it most definitely is, can we get back to the book? I could talk all day about the Home Office and MI5, but that's not why we're here" Arcturus asked the room. "We were on 'racing bike', I believe"

"Wait" Sirius said. "Why do you know about MI5?"

"I can't afford not to, as Paterfamilias. Why, want to join me down at the pub next time I have a chat with my contact? Now, racing bike"

Looking rather puzzled, the group turned their attention back to Flitwick, who continued.

* * *

"Like father like son," Frank said.

"Unless it involves walking to the bakery" James said.

* * *

"Let's hope his father doesn't have THAT hobby!" James said aggressively.

"Punching people! Who didn't see that coming?"

"Hope he's not punching my son!" Lily said fiercely.

"Don't bet on it" Severus told her.

* * *

"Oi! Leave him alone, you fat bastard!" James said angrily.

"I don't feel any vindication here" Severus said.

* * *

"Not being punched is a powerful motivator" Regulus said.

* * *

"Or not having enough food" Clotho muttered.

"Just how bad was his life?" Remus asked. "And don't sugar-coat it for us, either"

"I don't know all the details" Clotho said. "Harry didn't really divulge much in the way of details. I'm guessing these books will gloss over the worst of it. So whatever we read, I'm assuming the truth is worse"

"Oh, that's just bloody wonderful!" James said.

"Blame Dumbledore" Regulus said.

"Definitely blame Dumbledore" Severus agreed.

"Absolutely blame Dumbledore" Clotho said firmly.

* * *

"Bloody Dursleys!" Sirius said.

"I agree" Severus said.

"I agree" Frank said.

"It's such a shame that muggle-baiting is illegal" Aberforth said.

Moody looked at him disapprovingly.

"What! You can't tell me they don't deserve it even a little bit" Arcturus said cheerfully.

"So long as you're not going to hunt these people down when you leave. Because everyone in this room will be a suspect" Mood said menacingly.

* * *

"He's got Lily's eyes" Alice said.

"Lucky boy" said Frank.

"But what's with the knobbly knees?" Sirius asked.

"I don't have knobbly knees" James said. "Lils, anything I knee-d to know?"

"No" Lily replied, groaning "and that was dreadful"

"I don't mind a good bit of wordplay. It's a sign of intelligence" Clotho said. "And James, your father has knobbly knees"

* * *

"And his father's sight" Sirius groaned.

held together with a lot of Sellotape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.

James groaned and held his head in his hands. "Can't the kid catch a break?"

* * *

"I presume he's ignorant of the significance" Regulus asked.

Clotho nodded.

* * *

"We didn't die in a car crash!" Lily shouted.

"Stands to reason that Petunia would lie" Severus said.

"Really?" asked Alice."Why?"

"Do you really think she'd willingly explain that his parents were a witch and a wizard?"

"No" Lily said.

* * *

"But how's he going to learn if he doesn't ask questions?" James demanded.

"Don't be silly, Potter. Asking questions leads to answers" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Having that as an ingrained habit will do him no favours in the future" Moody commented gruffly.

"What makes you think these people have his best interests at heart?" Ted asked. "Learning to not ask questions will cripple him as much as having only one leg"

"More so" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Yep, that never works" James said.

"Of course, if you grew your hair out, it might be easier to work with" Amelia said.

* * *

"Yes, it's a family curse"

"Does Sleekeazy's not work, then?" Severus asked.

"Ah, no. It doesn't work for me" James said.

"I can sympathise" Severus said "In third year I saved up to buy some. It was a total waste of money for me"

"What did you do with the rest of it?" Lily asked.

"You sold it to me, didn't you?" Alice asked. Severus nodded.

Frank looked at her "The Hogsmeade weekend?"

Alice smiled and nodded.

* * *

"Such a darling child" Sirius snarked.

"Again with the unflattering descriptions" Ted said.

* * *

"Haven't we already established the woman has questionable judgement" Severus sneered.

* * *

"That sounds like Lily" Severus said.

"It does, doesn't it" Remus added.

* * *

"Hurrah!" Sirius cheered.

"Just an expression" Lily told him.

"Now I'm disappointed" Sirius replied.

* * *

"Curious how his mother counted them" Fabian said.

"It's almost as if she anticipated this event" Gideon replied.

* * *

"Smart kid. Eat all the food you can while it's there. It might be gone" Moody said.

"Just how concerning is it that an eleven year old is throwing tantrums?" Frank asked.

"Very" Arcturus said.

"Extremely" McGonagall commented.

* * *

"Popkin? Now that's terrible" Andromeda said.

Sirius coughed, but it sounded suspiciously like 'Nymphadora'.

"No! Giving in to his tantrums is not a productive method of childrearing" McGonagall said.

* * *

"Oh, that's harsh! Funny, but harsh" Regulus chuckled.

* * *

"I didn't think it was possible to be that stupid" Fabian said.

"Eleven years old and he can't count" Andomeda commented.

"Anyone care to speculate on his academic marks?" Ted asked.

"Trolls. Trolls all the way" Severus said.

* * *

"And he encourages this sort of behaviour" Andromeda said, grumbling.

* * *

"Reemote control errorplane, vidya recorder, sinni camera" Arthur said to himself, scratching away with a quill.

"Why does an eleven year old need a gold watch?" Alice asked.

"I know my parents spoiled me, but never anywhere near like this" James said.

"And just think, you're just the minor branch of the family" Frank said. "I was never spoiled like this, either"

"Neither was I" said Sirius.

"Mother never spoiled either of us like this" Regulus said.

"We were never spoiled like this" Fabian said.

"I was never spoiled like this" Andromeda said.

"I certainly wasn't spoiled like this" Arcturus said.

* * *

"Figg, did she say?" Aberforth asked.

"As in the mad squib kneazle breeder?" Moody asked.

"Could be" Aberforth said "If she's anywhere near Harry, she's probably Dumbledore's spy"

* * *

"Well, that sounds like fun" Alice said.

"Fun Harry's not a part of" Frank said.

* * *

"Definitely the same woman" Moody said.

"Although we can question the value of a spy who is, a, a squib, and b, two streets away" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Figg doesn't sound like much fun" Sirius said.

"Temporary respite from the Dursleys" Remus replied.

"A bout of awful boredom is respite?" Amelia asked.

* * *

"Oh, wonderful!" Lily said.

"Who's Marge?" Fabian asked.

"If I understand correctly, it's Vernon's sister" Lily replied.

"Wonder what she's like?" Gideon wondered.

"Start with a female Vernon" Sirius suggested.

"I doubt Harry likes her either" James said.

* * *

"Maybe they wish he wasn't there" Moody said.

"Maybe they wish he was a slug. Nobody complains when you kill slugs" Arcturus said.

"Bravo, Grandfather, bravo. You're doing the family reputation a world of good there" Sirius said.

* * *

"I thought she swore she'd never talk to Yvonne again after Yvonne went to Skegness without telling her" Lily said.

"Your sister is jealous about Skegness? What is wrong with her?" Amelia asked.

"Skegness?" Frank asked.

"Like Blackpool, but much smaller"

"Oh" Frank said. "Why would anyone..."

"I think it's been firmly established Lily's sister is a few bricks short of a house" Clotho said.

Sirius chortled "I've never heard that one before"

"Well, how would you phrase it, Black?" Clotho asked.

"About as sharp as a marble?" Sirius suggested,

"No, that's her son" Remus said. "How about 'a few sandwiches short of a picnic'"

"Pathetic" Fabian said. "Try 'an intellect rivaled only by garden tools'"

"Ooh, harsh!" Gideon said "A few clowns short of a circus"

"Their village called, they want their idiot back" Severus said.

"Ooh! Snape's got some bite" Sirius said, impressed.

Lily looked at Sirius "It took you this long to figure out that Severus Snape is exceedingly dangerous when he opens his mouth? Maybe it's you who's one twist short of a slinky"

"Slinky?" Sirius asked, looking puzzled.

Clotho shook their head "The Muggle Studies curriculum needs an overhaul if it doesn't encompass children's toys"

"I had one as a child" Lily said.

"Hey Black" Clotho said "here's a suggestion for you. Never describe a woman as a slinky"

"Why would I?" asked Sirius, puzzled.

"I'm just warning you" Clotho said. "Unless you think she's 'pointless and only amusing if pushed down the stairs'"

Lily snorted with laughter. "You're just giving him terrible ideas"

"Ideas can't be that bad, Evans" Sirius said, grinning.

* * *

"Pipe dream, kiddo" James said.

"What do you do on a computer?"

"Games" Clotho said. "Sirius and James would probably be into first person shooters. Remus and Frank would probably like real time strategy games. The twins, Severus and Regulus, strike me more as the city building simulation game type"

"I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds really cool" Sirius said.

"Stick around for fifteen years or so and find out" Clotho responded.

* * *

"I'm having trouble imagining what that would look like" Sirius chuckled.

"I'm not" Lily said.

* * *

"Well, if you didn't want that, have you tried treating him like a human being?" Andromeda asked.

* * *

"I would" James said.

"Accidentally or intentionally?" Alice asked.

"Might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb" Remus said.

* * *

"We had such hopes she'd be a decent human being" Fabian said.

"But we forgot, this is Petunia we're talking about" Gideon responded.

* * *

"In Vernon-world, a new car is more important than a hated nephew" Frank said. "How marvellous"

"Surely that doesn't surprise you?" McGonagall asked.

* * *

"Bet he's faking it" Severus said.

"No bet" Amelia said.

* * *

"Manipulative little bastard" Regulus said.

* * *

"Dinky?" Fabian asked, corpsing.

"Duddydums!" Gideon chortled back.

"I'm shocked that it works with an eleven year old" Arcturus said, mildly disgusted.

"Petunia's always been a bit...pliable" Lily said.

* * *

"Evil little shit!" Sirius said. "I'd hate to be related to him"

"Thanks a lot, Sirius" Lily said. "I've heard you whinging about your mother often enough. Do us all a favour and keep your mouth shut"

* * *

"Wonderful description" Severus said, sneering.

"Related to Pettigrew, perhaps?" Regulus asked.

"Oi! Leave Pete out of this" Sirius said.

"But you have noticed that he isn't here. You haven't wondered why?" Alice asked.

"Well, yes, but..." Sirius trailed off.

"Clotho said only useful or relevant people were here. What does that say?" Alice pressed on.

James, Sirius and Remus remained silent.

* * *

"Well, every bully needs a lackey" Frank said.

* * *

"Of course he stopped" Severus said. "There was no advantage to continuing"

* * *

"Wait, what's a zoo?" Sirius asked.

"Honestly, Sirius?" Arcturus said. "A zoological garden, is a place where animals are kept in enclosures for public display"

"Oh... That sounds really cool"

"Wait until he learns about safari parks" Clotho said, _sotto voce_. Ted laughed.

Sirius frowned "This is an inside joke, isn't it?"

"Sirius, if you behave, and survive this meeting, I will take you to Longleat. But you'll have to foot the bill" Ted said cheerfully.

"Wait, why can't I go myself?" Sirius asked.

"One, you don't know where Longleat is, or how to behave appropriately. Two, I have a car and you don't. And three, I'm on a tighter budget than you, with a wife and child to support" Ted told him.

* * *

"Clotho, do you know when Dudley's birthday is?" Lily asked uncertainly.

"May, I believe" Clotho replied.

Lily said nothing, but her face darkened to a mottled red.

* * *

But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.

* * *

"Because strictly speaking, he did" Amelia said.

"Just not consciously" Moody added.

* * *

"Oh, come on! She knows about accidental magic! She's just being contrary" Lily growled.

"Is that...?" Ted said.

"It could be," Andromeda responded.

"You're both right, it could be a latent metamorphic ability" Arcturus said.

"Clotho?" Andromeda asked.

"I saw no evidence of it" Clotho responded.

* * *

"That sounds dreadful. Just the colour combination alone is terrifying" James said.

"As if we needed any more proof the woman has suspect judgement" Ted commented.

* * *

"You can in fact rationalise everything away if you try hard enough" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Good for him" Frank said.

"Kid's gotta get lucky some days" Regulus muttered. Everyone heard him, though.

"In the same sense that tomorrow never arrives" Aberforth said darkly.

* * *

"He apparated! That is awesome"

"Or maybe he just flew"

"No, unassisted flying is not possible" Sirius said firmly.

"You're wrong" Clotho replied equally firmly. "Voldemort can fly unassisted. And Lily can do it a little bit, too"

"Evans? You can fly?" Sirius asked.

Lily blushed "Not really"

"She mostly did it before Hogwarts, jumping off the swings and drifting back to stand on the ground" Severus said "It really annoyed Petunia when she did such 'unnatural things'"

* * *

"Rationalising didn't work that time" Remus said.

"That's a truly pitiful excuse" Sirius grumbled.

* * *

"Sickle says it won't last" Arcturus said.

"You're on" Gideon replied.

"Writing it down" Andromeda said calmly.

"And no one's going to comment that the only places he goes are school, the cupboard, and that mad squib's?" Amelia asked the room.

"What can we say?" Aberforth asked. "It's cruel and inhumane, we all agree on that. And most of us wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy. Many in this room are no doubt motivated to avoid this outcome. Which is the entire reason our host invited us. Nothing else needs to be said. Unless it's cathartic or humorous"

* * *

"I'm guessing he doesn't like Harry" Remus said.

"What makes you say that?" James asked.

"It's just a sense I get" Remus replied.

* * *

"I want one!" Sirius shouted.

* * *

"Should've kept your mouth shut, kid" Frank said.

* * *

"A gigantic beetroot!" Fabian snorted.

"With a moustache!" Gideon sniggered.

"And of course the boys are laughing at another's misfortune" Alice said repressively.

"Bugger that, he nearly crashed the car!" James said.

* * *

"There's no such thing as a dangerous idea" James snarled.

"Mr Potter, if the thought of something makes you giggle for more than fifteen seconds, you can assume you're not supposed to do it. And I put water balloons filled with red and gold paint outside the Ravenclaw Common Room door when I was a student" Minerva said sternly.

"Did you really?" Frank asked.

"Your mother could probably confirm it for you if you asked" McGonagall said cheerfully.

* * *

"Ooh, they're nice!" Lily said.

"They're not bad" Ted replied. "It's terrible that they bought it only so they didn't appear 'abnormal'"

* * *

"I wonder what his opinion of Dudley is?" Alice asked.

"I'm not sure we truly need to ask" Amelia responded.

* * *

"Wait for it" Arcturus said.

"Wait for what?" James asked

"His luck to even out" Arcturus replied.

* * *

"How can you get bored in a zoo?" Lily asked.

"We are talking about someone who can't count to thirty nine" Regulus said.

* * *

"Such a shame that Fortescues doesn't serve them. I just don't understand it" Lily said. The others looked at her in confusion. "It's a layered sundae in a tall glass, eaten with a long spoon"

"That sounds quite nice, actually" Arcturus said.

"Does anyone want one?" Clotho asked, looking around the room. The others looked at each other. There appeared to be a consensus of nods. "Fluxy!" Clotho said.

A house elf appeared "Can Fluxy help?"

"Yes. I need twenty one bread rolls on twenty one plates and twenty one matchsticks"

The requested items soon appeared. Clotho took out their wand and transfigured the plates into tall glasses, and the bread rolls into knickerbocker glories. The matchsticks were transfigured into long sundae spoons. "Help yourselves. Flitters, I'll put yours under a stasis charm for later"

"Thank you" Flitwick said.

"Flitters!" Sirius exclaimed, chuckling. James and Remus sniggered quietly,

"Grandson, do you think it wise to annoy a duelling champion?" Arcturus asked.

"Wait, isn't that braking the rules of transfiguration?" Regulus asked.

"Not really, Mr Black" McGonagall said. "You'll be learning about this in a few weeks. It's perfectly alright to turn one food into another. When it reverts back, it will still be food. But if you transfigured a rock into a bread roll, you would have rather serious difficulties."

"I see. That wand looks familiar" Regulus remarked cautiously.

"Not surprising, really" Clotho remarked "It did once belong to your cousin"

"Wait, let me see" Andromeda said. Clotho held up the wand, and Andromeda gasped in surprise.

"Whose wand is it?" Moody asked, but received no answer.

"Whoever the wand belonged to, the original owner's not likely to be under the robes" Flitwick said. "I just don't see many of your relatives being so altruistic, Misters Black"

"No, my sister would never be that generous" Andromeda said.

"If this wand unsettles you, I can use others" Clotho said, pulling out three other wands. There were three sharp intakes of breath around the room as the wands were recognised by some.

"How?" Aberforth asked.

"Why?" Remus gasped.

"There better be a good explanation" Moody growled.

But Clotho said nothing.

"Whose wands are they?" Alice asked.

"One of them is mine" Remus said.

"And mine" Moody added.

"And Albus'" Aberforth told her.

"That doesn't look like Albus' wand" McGonagall said.

"It's the one he got from Ollivander's when he was eleven, not the one he got from Grindelwald in 1945" Aberforth explained. "Minerva, you would have only been a student when he last used it"

"Dumbledore would probably be very old when Clotho travelled through time" James said. So it's entirely possible he just passed away, and Clotho grabbed a spare wand. But Moody doesn't strike me as the type to give up his wand willingly"

"Hmm, he does give the sense of 'you can take it from my cold dead hand', doesn't he?" Severus added.

"He does. That's probably why he's such a good Auror; he's not really the type to die peacefully either" Andromeda added.

"And we love him for it" Fabian said cheerfully.

"There's no way I'd ever surrender my wand" Remus said. "I'm damn lucky to have one"

"We know, and we're glad you have one" James said calmly.

"I'm missing something" Amelia said.

"While we enjoy these delicious sundaes, perhaps we can continue" Frank said. "If you will, Professor"

* * *

"Pay up" Arcturus told Gideon "I should have asked at the motorcycle incident, but..."

"Recording a win for Arcturus" Andromeda said.

* * *

"It sounds like the Slytherin Common Room" James said

"How do you know what the Slytherin Common Room looks like?" Lily asked.

"I snuck in"

"Why?" Regulus asked.

"I wanted to put itching powder in Snape's bed. I couldn't find it, so I did Avery's instead"

Severus snorted at that.

* * *

"Bully boys like predators, what a surprise" Amelia snorted.

* * *

"That's hardly surprising. Snakes like that spend most of their time digesting their last meal. It takes up most of their energy" Clotho said.

* * *

'Make it move,' he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.

"Of course not. There's no reason to move. It's not in danger, it's not hungry, why would it move?" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Why isn't Dudley doing this? How hard is it to rap on the glass?" Regulus asked.

"He did have trouble counting earlier" Alice commented.

* * *

"An easily bored child. That's troubling" Remus said.

"Yes, Harry shouldn't be in his vicinity. He might fall back on the old standby task" Frank commented.

"Hitting Harry?" Fabian asked.

"Hitting Harry" Gideon agreed.

* * *

"This boy is morbid" Moody said.

"Did he... did he just compare his existence to a zoo animal?" James asked.

"Yes, yes, he did" Arcturus told him.

"Like I said, he's morbid" Moody added.

* * *

"That's hardly normal snake behaviour" Aberforth said.

* * *

"Ah, such a charmer" Alice chuckled.

"Whilst they say to never smile at a crocodile, they should also say to never wink at a snake" Ted said, chuckling.

"What?" Frank asked.

"It's a song" Lily said.

* * *

"Either we're dealing with a very intelligent snake..." Aberforth suggested.

"Or Harry's a parselmouth" Arcturus replied.

"James? Lily? Any snakey secrets in the family tree?" Amelia asked.

"Parselmouths do occur in the Potter Family. We don't advertise it due to the reputation. I'll thank you all to keep it quiet. Uncle Charlus is one, but my father and I aren't"

"Don't worry" Frank said "My father's a parselmouth too, but I'm not"

"Stupid reputation, really" Clotho remarked "Merlin, Paracelsus, Asclepius, all highly respected Parselmouths. It's a highly valued trait in India or Australia. It's useful for powerful healing magic, and there are persistent rumours of sex-related magic. It's just in Western Europe it gets a bad rap. Slytherin and Mouldy Shorts do it no favours"

"Sex magic? Really?" asked Sirius.

"I imagine it has to do with tongue action" Aberforth said with a thin smile.

"That's something I won't be asking my parents" Frank said.

"I won't be asking Uncle Charlus about this" James said.

"The boys are smarter than they appear" Amelia said, chuckling.

"The Potters have a house in Australia. Good weather, nice beaches" James said casually.

"Your family has a house in Australia? No way! Where?" Lily asked excitedly.

"Wonggonggong, I think" James replied uncertainly.

"He probably means Wollongong" Clotho said. "Nice area, but I prefer Byron Bay or Noosa"

* * *

"That's a decent opener" James said.

"If you're talking to a pretty girl, sure" fabian replied.

"But this is a snake" Remus added.

"And the etiquette might be somewhat different" Severus.

* * *

 _'_ Was it nice there?'

"A master of small talk, this lad" Moody chuckled.

"Yep, and with those green eyes, he'll likely be a hit with the ladies" Gideon said.

"Clotho, was Harry a hit with the ladies?" Alice asked.

Clotho snorted "Quite the opposite, actually. He had great difficulty with the witches. The Boy-Who-Lived could probably have had any witch in the school"

"That sounds like Sirius" Lily said.

"But Harry wanted girls who wanted Harry for being Harry. That was a far harder task. And the Dursleys didn't really equip him for dealing with love" Clotho continued.

"Emotionally crippled, was he?" Amelia asked.

"One way of putting it. There was really only one girl in his life, and he met her on his eleventh birthday"

"Ooh, tell us more" Alice gushed.

"She died a few days before his seventeenth birthday" Clotho replied.

"That's not quite what I meant" Alice grumbled.

"But you were told more" Remus told her, smirking.

* * *

"Bzzz! Conversational gambit, failed!" Ted said loudly. Lily chuckled.

* * *

"So about twenty minutes, then" Sirius commented, chuckling.

"What-oh, because he's so fat!" Regulus said, grimacing.

"Young Black, you need to learn" Fabian said.

"That you never, ever, explain the joke" Gideon added.

* * *

"Sadistic little bastard" James growled.

"Wonder how badly Harry's hurt?" Remus asked.

* * *

"I don't know why. It's not like a boa constrictor is an existential threat" Amelia commented.

"As compared to a mamba, cobra, or taipan?" Ted asked.

"Mamba? Taipan?" Sirius asked.

"Sirius, we don't really have time to address the gaps in your knowledge base" Lily said.

"Gaps so wide the Hogwarts Express would fit through them" Severus said.

"Oi! Why are you attacking me? Reggie's probably just as clueless" Sirius groused.

"But I'm keeping my mouth shut" Regulus said.

"That's right, grandson" Arcturus said. "Your brother is not advertising his ignorance"

"Mambas and taipans are lethal snakes. They bite you, you're dead within thirty minutes" Clotho said.

"Any treatment?" Alice asked.

"Antivenom, if administered fast enough" Clotho responded.

"So, possibly treatable" Moody said.

* * *

"I thought they spoke Portuguese in Brazil" Lily said.

"But the snake's never been, so we can forgive its ignorance" Alice replied.

"'Amigo' means the same in Spanish and Portuguese" Arcturus said.

* * *

"Where all vanished objects go. Into non-being, which is to say, everything" Clotho said.

"And excellent answer" McGonagall commented. Clotho twitched slightly at that.

* * *

"Why is he apologising?" Regulus asked.

"It's an English thing. He's responsible for the zoo. An animal escape would be perceived as a failure on his part. Even if a young wizard did do accidental magic, it makes him look bad" Aberforth explained.

* * *

"So, they sounded more intelligent than usual, then" Remus suggested.

* * *

"What is this, who can sling the largest serving of bullshit?" Ted asked.

"Young boys and braggadocio go together like strawberries and cream" Aberforth said.

Lily looked at him curiously "Really?"

"I run a pub. I know these things"

* * *

"You just had to say it, didn't you?"

* * *

"Alcohol, the solution to all problems" Severus drawled.

"Except brewer's droop" Aberforth chuckled.

"Brewer's droop? I've never heard of that" James said, puzzled.

"Ah, little Potter's so innocent" Fabian said.

"Shall we?" Gideon asked.

"I think we shall, brother" Fabian replied.

"Well, Mr Potter, brewer's droop is where you consume so much alcohol" Gideon said.

"That you are unable to put your wand in the cauldron, because it won't stand up" Fabian added.

James stared at them "You must be joking!"

"No" said Fabian.

"No" said Gideon.

"No" said Aberforth.

"No" Arcturus said.

"No" said Moody.

"They're not joking" Severus told him.

"Wow!" James said "that's bloody awful"

"And let us not mention highly embarrassing for the gent" Fabian said.

"And highly disappointing for the lady" Amelia said, smirking.

* * *

"Hey, I do that" James said.

"You're not surrounded by people that hate you" Amelia told him.

* * *

"Now that is just depressing" Sirius said.

* * *

"Oh, that doesn't sound good at all" Arcturus said.

"How'd he survive the Killing Curse?" asked Moody.

"No idea" Aberforth grumbled. "But I'd like to find out"

"Bet Dumbledore has a few ideas" Regulus said.

"Bet he hasn't bothered to share any of them with anyone else" Arcturus said.

* * *

"Now that's just sad" Amelia said.

* * *

"That's rather awful" Fabian said.

"But we can hardly be surprised" Gideon responded.

* * *

"Where is everyone?" Sirius asked.

"There was a war" Moody said.

"Yes, but I know I was alive at the end of the first chapter. I gave Hagrid my motorcycle" Sirius said.

"I wouldn't have been given guardianship of a child, even if I was alive" Remus said "but my absence is also puzzling"

"Why, what's wrong with you?" Moody asked.

Remus looked around nervously for an escape route. Clotho snorted "Tell them, don't tell them. I don't care. They'll find out in the books anyway"

"Oh" said Remus "Well, the thing is... I'm a werewolf"

"I see. You're in for a world of trouble when you graduate, aren't you?" Moody said gruffly.

"Is he?" asked James.

"A well educated werewolf. Voldie's gonna be salivating. He can't work at the Ministry, there are rules. Those same rules will limit his options for working in the magical world, and many employers won't want to hire him. Then if he decides to leave and work in the Muggle world, the Ministry will try and make his life awkward about the Statute. In addition, he'll be targeted for recruitment by Voldie"

"Mind you, it does make sense why he wasn't Head Boy" Regulus said.

"Please expand on this thought" Arcturus said.

"Head Boys are expected to go places. But a werewolf can't go any of those places" Regulus said.

"That's mostly true, but there was a Head Boy who ended up working at Borgin and Burke's" Clotho said.

"Really?" Amelia asked "Why would a Head Boy work at Borgin and Burke's?"

"Partly because of Ministry bigotry, and there were rumours that Dumbledore sent a letter around the Ministry suggesting that the young man not be hired"

"Dumbledore blacklisted a Head Boy. Why would a Headmaster do that?"

"He was the Deputy at the time" Clotho said.

"What happened to the young man" Aberforth asked.

"I'll let you wonder for a while" Clotho said.

"Ominous" Arcturus commented.

"Even more ominous is what my brother's planning for young Lupin" Aberforth said gruffly.

"Care to share?" Moody asked.

"First question, how many werewolves have attended Hogwarts"

"I believe only one" Moody said.

"Probably. Lupin, you were how old?"

"Four" Remus said.

"And ordinarily you'd be prevented from attending on safety grounds. Quite reasonably. I'm guessing you're the one in The Shrieking Shack?"

"Maybe" replied Remus non-committally.

"What's your end hypothesis, Abe?" Moody asked.

"Albus is grooming a spy for the werewolf packs"

"That's pretty grim" Frank said. "The packs will resent him because of his education, and he won't have earned his stripes in their group to get any trust. They might just kill him"

Sirius and James looked at each other and paled.

* * *

"That could be Diggle" Fabian said

"Sickle it isn't" Amelia said.

"Writing it down" Andromeda said.

* * *

"Wild looking old woman? Not Minnie, then" James said.

"Why would Minnie even be riding a bus?" Fabian said.

"Probably for the same reason Dumbledore would be on The Underground" Alice said.

* * *

"Isn't apparation wonderful?" Sirius asked.

"Not if it's side-along" Frank said.

* * *

"He doesn't have any friends? At all?"

"This won't be good" Remus said. "If he goes to Hogwarts, and doesn't know anything about friendship, he's in for a world of pain."

"You speak as if from experience" Moody said.

"Well, yes. I turned up at Hogwarts, having never had a friend, and look what disreputable company I ended up associating with" Remus replied, grinning widely.

"That's a horrible thing to say, Moony" James said, frowning. Sirius just chuckled.

* * *

~o*o*o*o*o*o~

* * *

"Wait, the numbers. Clotho, give us the numbers"

"Fine. By this time, two of you are in St Mungo's. Another has just died at a decent age"

"Decent age?" Arcturus said "It's probably me, then"

"Don't be too sure" Aberforth said "I'm older than you. It could be me"

"Nope" Clotho said "You threw me out of your pub. A few times. Once for being too young. Other times for fighting. You don't like dead bodies, it seems"

"Doesn't match the decor" Fabian muttered _sotto voce_ , receiving a few sniggers.

"Well, we've read two chapters. We've been here almost two hours. So your body clocks would be saying it's eight o'clock. What's say we adjourn for dinner?" Clotho asked the room "if the knickerbocker glories haven't spoiled your appetites"

"No, no" replied Sirius "I'm sure we can still eat"

"Of course you can. You'd eat out of a rubbish bin if you put your mind to it"

"Ah, Clotho, what is for dinner" Andromeda asked.

"Ah, it's very dull, really. I've organised a bunch of casseroles. Fluxy?"

The elf appeared "Yes?"

"We're ready for dinner. Can you set up the casseroles"

The elf nodded and vanished. Soon, small tables appeared around the room, bearing large casserole dishes.

"OK, I'll try and tell you what we've got" Clotho said "We've got moussaka, bacalhua con natas-that's salted cod and cream, there's a ratatouille, a Janssons frestelse, a couple of lasagnas, macaroni cheese, a pastitsio, a tuna casserole, a bunch of vegetable gratins, and some quiches. So dig in"

"Is there dessert?" Frank asked.

"After the knickerbocker glory? Dessert is trifle. You can wait for the specifics"

"Must be a big trifle" Alice said.

"Or more than one" Amelia told her.

* * *

~o*o*o*o*o*o~

* * *

 **A/N:** It should be noted that: **a)** my favourite type of porn is food porn, and **b)** my food writing style is heavily influenced by the Redwall series. So please don't drool on the keyboard when i write about the catering.


End file.
